Welcome to Hell. Enjoy Your Stay!

Warning: Adult Content
I had been dying to visit the The Kit Kat ever since the very gay Adam told me about it. He went there to go to the Hustlaball.

So when a couple of friends of mine told me that they were going to Berlin, I took the opportunity to arrange a visit. At around this time, Thomas was getting a bit antsy about our sex life, and had begun to cajole me to try a threesome.

"I don't want to do a threesome," I said. "I don't need it, and if ever I do it, I'd like guy-guy-girl, not girl-girl-guy!"

"But c'mon it's really gonna be fun! I mean, I have slept with so few women..."

Aha. So he's looking for a loophole in the fidelity part of I do.

"But I've slept with enough people, I really don't have the need to sleep around any longer. Besides, the mere thought of licking a woman's pussy disgusts me!"

"God, since when have you been so boring?"

What? The temerity of this asshole. I'm the one who's not getting her thrice weekly expected marital obligations, and you call me BORING?!!

I signed us up at Craiglist that very night.

* * *

I did some very thorough research before going into the club. What to expect, and so on. It was "lack and leather" night,so I dropped 100 euros at a sex shop while I was in Berlin for a pleather dress. It's very cute, but it also screams whore.

Thomas was a bit upset when i told him I wanted to go into the club with my visiting friends, so I changed my mind and told him we could go there to look for our "bi curious femme."

Around this time, I also read up on threesomes, the mechanics, how it happens. I read a lot of Savage Love, interviewed people who have participated in threesomes.

We rented a moderately expensive room at a hotel that night in anticipation. I was quite disappointed that Thomas failed to prepare for "the big night." I mean, I was merely curious, he was in search of somebody. He wore his same old business suit.

Saturday. We stand in front of the door, and were required to show what we had underneath our coats. "You know that this is the Kit Kat Club and what it stands for..." said the door bitch.

I unbuttoned my trench. She nodded approvingly. 10 euros, our signature in a sheet of paper titled "Association of Hedonists," and we were in.

The sprawling Kit Kat Club had four bars, so many dance floors, a "couple's room," and a swimming pool, which was closed for that night. Looking at the red lights and the neon flourescent images of fornicating people on the walls, I was reminded of how hell was presented to us in Catholic school.

Everybody's weird fetishes were welcome. And I believe I saw it all. We watched a bondage show. I saw very young, and very cute twinks. A naked, faded hippie with long, gray hair alternately smoked, danced, and masturbated on stage. A handsome young man started dancing, took off his jacket, and revealed a nice set of breasts. A young man in a wheelchair, his emaciated limbs painting day-glo flowers on women's breasts and taking photos of it. A woman who had Dolly Parton ambitions.

All possible sexual permutations, outside of beast-human, were well represented. Man-woman, Dom-Slave, Man-Man, Woman-Woman, Man-Woman-woman, who knows what else.

It was quite apparent who were newbies there. There were a lot of couples who I guess were also looking for their bi curious male or female who seemed weirded out by the sex that surrounded them. I guess when they wanted to fuck somebody else,they didn't contend with the methods that they had to go through to get them. They all stood in the corner, huddled like little bunnies, eyes wide as saucers.

As for me, I enjoyed myself thoroughly. A man and a woman started fucking right before me. To be honest, I was so turned on that I wanted to jump in.

"Kiss me," I ordered Thomas. "Play with my tits." All he could do was oblige me with lukewarm effort. I could see that all this sex was too hardcore for Thomas. He had the bunny look, too. So I pushed Thomas away and continued watching the intertwined couple with fascination reserved for animals in a zoo.

* * *

At the beginning of the night, Thomas and I began scoping the territory for a potential partner.

"How about that blonde?" He asked.

"Naah. Too many teeth."

We both fancied one of the barmaids, a topless Betty Page lookalike in a corset.

So we went back to the chill-out lounge and started discussing our strategy when the blonde sat behind us and lit a joint.

"Is that a joint I smell?" I asked, and started the ball rolling. She was friendly enough, offered to share the joint. She wasn't interested, she said, she had a boyfriend. We looked at her skeptically, and she shrugged. "After all, this is the Kit Kat. Alles kann, nichts muss."

After a couple of hours we still hadn't found anybody. I started getting frustrated. "Look Thomas, if we aren't hitting on anybody, we might as well go home."

"Well, why aren't you hitting on anybody as well?"

"Are you kidding me? I asked her, she wasn't interested. It's your turn now."

"But it's easier for you!"

"Hey buddy, you wanted it, you go get it. I have made everything so easy for you. I arranged for us to go here, I've hit on somebody. You can't expect me to serve up everything for you on a silver platter."

"But you're pressuring me. It's making everything so much harder!" He whined.

The barmaid came into the lounge. She's obviously on break, and is making small talk with the other bartender. "I'm going to the restroom," Thomas said. Wuss, I muttered in my head.

I wanted Thomas to do this himself, but I also wanted to make it easier for him. So I went to the bar and sat next to Ms. Page. She was speaking German to the bartender. I bided my time, ate some of the fruit from the fruit platter, looking at the woman.

Thomas came in, and saw me beside her. Make your move now, my eyes commanded.

Thomas stood between us...and did nothing. The barmaid obviously had a clue, because she told the bartender in English "I'll come an hour after now, during my next break."

She slinked off, and Thomas started to kick himself. "Why am I so chicken?!"

To this day I think that she said that for our benefit, and that she would've accomodated us, if we hadn't sussed out. "Let's go home," I said.

It was already light out when we left.