What I Hate About Being a Woman

BRAS

I like breasts. I don't like bras. I do understand the need for and the benefits of a good pair o' underwear. I am a certified lingerie connoisseur. I am willing to fork over a lot of money for a miniscule piece of cloth. If there are two things that women should spend on, it is a good pair of shoes and a good pair of underwear. Other girls are into shoes, others are into bags. I definitely have a thing for lingerie.
Then why don't you like bras?
Because it's so damned frustrating to shop for one!
It's almost as complicated as finding The One. Aside from the fact that no two girls have the same sized jugs, even a girl's own pair are slightly asymmetrical. Flat chested girls are actually the luckier ones. Any full-chested girl has her own frustrating bra-shopping epic to relate.
But aren't bra sizes standard?
No they're not!
Check this out: In a Wonderbra I'm a 70-B; Avon and Triumph a 70 A; Any other brand I'm a 34 B. Every lingerie company has their own idea of how far out is far out. Unlike a guy who can stick their pair in any old pair of underwear, girls have to be more particular.

Yesterday I tried on 10 different pairs in three different stores before finally settling for a pair that I knew was perfect. Price tag: P 750. Yes, that's just for one bra. That's two pairs of shoes.

PMS

Another excuse for guys to pick on the abilities of females. Everything from flakiness to lack of leadership ability has been attributed to hormones.

I hate having my period. I can't do stuff. Changing tampons and pads could be a time-consuming business. I feel bloated, my tummy and breasts feel tender, my skin sucks. I am listless, more irritable and pessimistic in the first couple of days.

SAD MOVIES

I hate the fact that sad movies and news items make me cry. Yes, even those blatantly manipulative ones.

***

On a more serious note, what sucks about being a female is a culture of docility being pressed upon women. Women are supposed to be feminine, willowy, and all that blather. To have masculine traits is considered unattractive. To be anything outside the madonna/b*tch/wh*re spectrum is also unattractive. To stick out of a perceived category or label is considered unattractive.

The belief that women are weak and silent has promoted violence against our gender. I have sought counseling for experiences I have had previously, and learned that rape is not an act of violence that has nothing to do with sex but everything to do with power. A true man, a strong person, will never ever subjugate somebody else to feel power. Rape has nothing to do with the woman, but everything about the aggressor's feeling of inadequacy.

Jac, I feel for you. you should've spoken out sooner. Nevertheless, I'm glad that you have.

Have you Seen Me?

It all started on October 2004. One of The Boss' security men asked me whether I was in Cubao the week before. I said I wasn't in Cubao at the time. He told me that he saw me in line in the SSS building when he was updating his membership.

That was strange, I thought, but shrugged it off. People have told me that I resembled someone they knew.

Three weeks later, I was hanging out with friends in SM Megamall on a lazy Saturday evening when one of them asked me I was there at around three p.m.
"No. I just arrived. Why?"
"I swore I saw you at around that time near the theaters."

Whoa. This was freaky, I thought. Two sightings in a month? I forgot about it until last December, when I had a close encounter of the cloning kind.

I had just enrolled at Slimmer's World Pasay Road. I was chatting with the account executive I had submitted my application to when she told me an unbelievable story regarding my clone.

"Yeah, I thought she was you! She was with a friend, who was a little chubby. Her friend was the one interested in enrolling and I thought it peculiar that you came back the day after you enrolled. I thought you were pulling my leg when I realized that she wasn't you!"

"How'd you know it wasn't me?" I asked.

"Well, you have similar hairstyles, but hindi siya kasing-bibo mo. Mas mataba sa iyo ng konti saka hindi Inglesera. (She isn't as chatty as you are, a little chubbier, and she doesn't speak English). In fact, she seemed like the quiet type. She just sat there, and her friend did most of the talking."

I was so freaked out that I HAD to call my sister. For thirty minutes, we speculated about her identity. I learned that day that her name was Queenie, and she worked for a call center. Unless my mother had another surprise up her sleeve ("but how could you not know that I'm a twin?!"), we felt that she could be my half-sister from my anonymous biological father.

She never came back with her friend, and everything returned to normal, until last February, when The Blurb's Jonas Diego saw her at the diner I frequent!

He said that he was having lunch alone when he saw a girl he thought was me! Jonas would never mistake me as anybody else. We know each other well, and we meet at least once every two weeks. He said that he was in a queue when he noticed the girl, who was a little ahead of him in the food train.

"I was staring at her so hard I think I made her feel uncomfortable. She probably thought I was a weirdo. She really looked like you!"

This was just getting too close for comfort. Could she be my phantom? A clone? My doppleganger? For a fleeting moment, I feared we would melt into each other upon contact like in the Van Damme movie Timecop.

"So what made you stop from wanting to talk to her?"

"Aside from the fact that she might have thought I was a stalker?"

"Well you should have talked to her! You know I've been looking for her for months now!"

"Her hair was a little different. Shorter. Hers didn't flip away like yours do. She was a little taller. More weight. Had bigger boobs too."

I eyed him incredulously. "How would you know that she had bigger boobs?"

He shrugged. "I just know. Guys know."

"She did seem like you personality opposite."

So if anybody who reads this knows this girl, PLEASE contact me! Let's put a stop to this nonsense!

The photo above is just me, approximating what she looks like. I look ugly in it :P

***

I don't subscribe to personality tests but I found this as funny as hell.

http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better%20Personality&page=1

This is what I got. Uncanny.

You are a WEDF--Wacky Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes
you a Menace to Society.Well, whether you're actually a menace depends on how
you choose to channel your energies. You chew your fingers and have an addictive
personality. Properly guided, you can be enormously productive--otherwise you
run amok, stir up trouble, and generally have a hell of a good time.To your
friends, you are a source of relentless entertainment. You often get into
trouble, but you almost always find a way out. You are strangely popular and
feed off others' energy. You live hard, seize the day, and although your more
sober friends would like to see you settled down, you generally have fewer
regrets and better memories than they do. Your tenet is that, at the end of the
day, one regrets only what one didn't try. You are right.You could benefit from
outside help in balancing your highs and lows. Or perhaps cutting back on the
caffeine.Of the 116881 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began
(8/17/2004), 4.9 % are this type.

Funny thing is, I'm not a caffeine junkie.

The Chandlers

I hate it when my favorite team is eliminated.

Habemus Papam!

Ah, yes I was wrong. I thought the Church was ready for reform, but I was wrong. Rats!

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger is now Pope Benedict XVI. His name has been floating around for years, the buzz that he will be the next Pope has been going around since I was in college. I am not that impressed with him, though he reportedly has a very good head above his shoulders. He has performed his duties well as one of the late Pope John Paul II's executives. I think it is because I perceived him to be distant, a paper pusher, in contrast to John Paul's dynamic rule. Whenever I see photos of him, I see him hobnobbing with elite Catholics worldwide like the Kennedy clan of America, but not really with the people. Hindi masa ang image niya. Hopefully as his tenure continues, I, as a Catholic, will get to know and love the person who replaced the only Pope I have ever known.

I respect the Church's desire for continuity, being the good Catholic hypocrite that I am. Mabuhay ang Santo Papa!

Cali Boys

Either I need to change something in myself or Manila is getting to be too small for me. I seem to be dating the same kind of guys lately. I'm beginning to think of ways of how to re-orient the way I gauge a guy's attractiveness.

I spent the weekend with my friend Leslie, pulling back-to-back all-nighters. Friday night we went out for drinks with her boss, his wife, and his hot, hot cousin Joey. Leslie and I were griping about our boy problems when Joey said something very illuminating.

"The problem with you guys is that you're never willing to consider dating good guys."

The thing is, I thought that I was dating good guys. For crapssakes, I even dated a seminarian. I have a soft spot for quirky, talky, neurotic guys, but series of these cute oddballs I've dated seem to never work for me.

On Saturday, Leslie set me up on a double date with her friends Bobby and Jeff, Fil-Am Cali boys who spoke with sentences peppered with the words "b*itch, "*@ss" "motherf*ucker" and "It's all good." You know the type: bald, tatoos, biceps and testosterone.

She was with Bobby and I was set up to keep Jeff company. He was huskily built, and he seemed as slutty as the people who join those odd dating shows like The Fifth Wheel. During the course of the dinner, he made several requests that betrayed what he really was after.

That Leslie and I get it on in girl-on-girl action for him.
He asked me how many times I masturbated in a week.
Suck on an ice cube he was holding.
If I "go anal."

You get the drift.

The entire night was spent rolling my eyes and fending off his hands. He kept on trying to nibble my ear.

I thought the night was over when he and Bobby invited their friend Mike over, and we all went to Centro in Libis, a hip-hop club notorious for its cage-dancing contests.

As my eyes adapted to the sting of cigarette smoke, whose acrid smell I was sure would drench my hair and clothes, I realized that I was in a room filled with Jeffs. Overgrown frat boys eager to prove themselves to the world.

Though I no longer go clubbing as frequently as I used to, I can still party with the best of them. But seeing this crowd, barely legal girls stripping for attention, for a trip to Hong Kong, or for whatever reason, and guys secretly taking pictures of their panties, I realized that I have truly outgrown any desire to partake in any of this. I've been going clubbing for years and realized that I have been meeting guys like Jeff all this time: Fil-Am Cali gangsters or wannabe Cali boys out for skin.

I need a change of scenery. Got any clues where?

How To Freak Out a Girl in 7 Days

Work with her for three months and smolder with hidden desire and not tell her.

Spring into action four months later by inviting her to lunch.

While eating lunch, tell her that you're in love with her, and you have been since the first day she showed up to work. Bulldoze that factoid into her head as much as possible.

While at work, be as unkempt-looking as possible while around her. Then after confessing your feelings, try to look like you're spanking brand new.

The next time you see each other at work, stare at her as much as possible.

Put her in potentially awkward situations at work. Especially since you're the supervisor.

Tell her that you're not after her booty, and want to live with her forever and ever, that you'll be a dogged little chap, and you won't take no for an answer. All during your first "date."

During the first "date," insert the words "woo" and "in love" as many times as you could in a sentence. For example: "I told you that I'd woo you. The saleslady said that this bracelet I'm giving you right now is supposed to make you fall in love with me."

Send her freaky stalker-like text messages that sound witty in the head but scary out loud.

Examples:

"I do exercise. And I look fabulous under my shirt. FABULOUS."
"When you can, let's meet. I need to see you. I need to be with you." (and you're not even well-acquainted).

Press her for another date even when she says she isn't available.

Sound as desperate as you could. Look desperate. Act like she has no other choice but to say yes.

And try to ruin the relationships she has with males other than you.

Calling All 'Amazing Race' junkies!

The Department of Tourism is launching the Island Paradise Adventure Race (Luzon Leg), a 9-day auto rally through eight tourist destinations in Luzon based on an "on-time, all the time" system, featuring 35 teams. Each team shall be composed of 3 persons, one of whom will be required to perform certain physical and mental challenges at the control points and pit stops. At stake are top prizes in cash (P 1 million, P 300,000 and P 100,000 for the top 3 winners) and in kind, including trophies and recognition.
The rally proper will be from May 7 to May 15 2005. Registration of participants will be until April 15.
The race is open to the public. Drivers must be licensed with auto insurance and driving "street-legal" cars, and the team must be willing to invest at least P 35,000 for fuel, food, and accomodation. The teams could solicit for sponsors provided that the companies are not direct competitors of the event's sponsors. Registration fee is P 5,000. Please contact the DOT at 523-9031, 536-3153, and 524-2251 from Mondays to Fridays during office hours. Look for Anabelle or Faye

***

So is anybody game? I know I am. Paging anybody who owns a four-wheel drive. I am willing to sponsor the registration fee. :)

***

Speaking of the Amazing Race, I am starting to develop a severe dislike for media brats Amber and Rob. They have an advantage because they're popular, and they're milking it for all its worth. Haven't they won enough money already? I didn't watch them during their particular Survivor season, so I never really developed an opinion about them. But saying that Meredith pushed Gretchen over the cave, that went too far. And not helping The Brothers during the accident? Hmm, excuse my psychologizing, but not helping them seemed cruel. They like playing the game as long as it is to their advantage, but dislike being played. What gives? Again, if you can dish it out by bribing people to give misleading information to the other teams and stealing their cabs, you have to accept it when people dislike you severely. Accept the consequence.

***

Watched CSI:NY. Sorry, no dice. CSI Vegas is still the best. Not because it was the first on the block, but its writing is unmatched. Besides, everything about the succeeding CSI series seems so cliche. Top dog gives one liner, tilts his head, puts on his shades, gives a faraway look, then segue into the theme song. Regardless of sex, there's the sexy ballistics expert, the hot detective, the workaholic patholigist. C'mon people, don't try to infuse too much depth and story about a character during the first episode! You have an entire season to lay the groundwork! I thought I was gonna get into Mac whatever's character (Gary Sinise) during the first scene, anguished in a Church. I was intrigued. But you, you freaking writers, you gave it all away! Couldn't have we known that his wife died in 9/11 in another episode? I thought that having the three teams of CSI writers compete against each other would have motivated the NY writing. C'mon NY is the home of edgy. Give us edge! Not mac and cheese edge!

Billy Petersen (Gil Grissom) is so right. Stop turning the hit into a franchise. The product always gets diluted.

Up Yours!

The thing about being a person who is at peace with with her sexuality is that it allows people around me to let their guard down and confide details about their sexual activities that I feel should really be kept private. Sometimes, people have to learn how to spare me from losing sleep over unwelcome mental images. But then again, if I can dish it out, I guess I also have to take it in.

I have a close male friend, with whom I can engage in sexual banter comfortably. Out of the blue, he suddenly asks me:

"Hey, have you ever tried going anal?'
"What?"
"You know, have you tried getting f*ed in the butt?"
"Hell no! Why would I want to do anything like that?"
"Well..." a sly grin creeps across his face, "I have."
Classic. This is one of the few moments in my life where I have been caught utterly speechless. My jaw dropped and I couldn't stop myself from blubbering.
"Oh my. Oh my goodness! Oh crap. Really?"
"Really," with a twinkle in his eye.
I think the guy is actually happy that he was able to one-up me sexually.
"You mean to tell me that you haven't done it before? How weird! I mean you have been with all these guys. I can count the girls I've been with with one hand. And you're telling me that you haven't tried it?"
"Well, for me, to be able to do something like that requires a lot of trust. I haven't been in a relationship with a guy long enough to trust myself and and be free enough to do that."
He shakes his head. "Really...I can't believe it. All these guys, and no anal."
"Did it hurt?"
"No it didn't. Actually it's great! I mean, I can come more quickly because the hole is tighter. When I am at the point of orgasm, I switch sides. Good for me, good for her."
"Ah...did she hurt? She must be in pain."
"No. Actually, she likes it."
"Aren't you afraid that you might be giving her a hernia?"
He shrugs, "Not really."
"Did you use a lubricant?"
"Nah. Using condoms are fine. Just change condoms when switching sides."
At this point I cringe and my hand unconsciously wanders to my ass.
"No lubricants?"
"No."
Mercifully, he spares me the identity of the girl he did it with. I have had the pleasure of meeting some of his girls, and I begin to mentally take note of my suspects. With his boyish good looks, he didn't seem like the type who would do something like this.
"Really," he shakes his head again," all those guys, and no anal."
"You're making it sound like it's a bad thing."
"Not really. I'm just shocked. I expected that you'd be into something like that."
Curious, I sit there, in fascination, in awe, and mostly in sympathetic pain. Dude, that must be the one of the grossest things I've heard all week. But I choose to be wise and keep my mouth shut.

The Pope is dead

And my mom believes that the end of times is at hand.

I feel that the next Pope would be reltively young (in his 50s or early 60s) and most likely come from Latin America or Africa. Many Catholics interested in what's happening in the Vatican share this opinion. I personally hope that the ambitious cardinals who have vigorously jockeyed themselves to succeed the Pope years before his death would find themseves shut out of the race.

***

I normally don't use my blog for promotions, but my friends have pursued many note-worthy endeavors that need to be announced, and I have chanced upon many things that I really like.

My friend Jac Ting Lim (visit her blog, click PUTINGKUTING at the left) has joined The Slimmer's World Bikini Bodies Contest. She's smoking hot, and help her win the contest by sending in your text votes!

There's this other website I like, www.johnnyhollow.com. I like answering riddles. The website has an eerie Silence of the Lambs feel. Genius.

Watch Closer. If you aren't watching it for the solid material or for Mike Nichols, then watch it because Jude Law and Natalie Portman are in it. Again, I predict Jude Law in my future. And our kids will look fab!

Visit the blogs my friends. Many are comic book artists. Some have launched their own web comics, like Graphic Detail. Trés cool.