Y'all know I love motherhood, but it can really get so frustrating sometimes! I would like to have just one night in my life where i could get really f*ked up and party like in the bad old days, leave responsibility at the door and pick up where I left off after my hangover wears off. I'm probably too square for that now though lol. Listening to My chemical romance. Am I too angry for the world? Probably.

Ang Linggo Ng Wika Edition

Minsan, kapag may kausap ako sa Ingles, takang-taka sila kung bakit matatas akong magsalita ng Ingles kahit na Pilipino ako.

Ganun din naman kapag nagsasalita ako ng Tagalog. Alam nila na Inglesera ako pero minsan napapakamot ng ulo ang mga kakilala ko kapag nakikipag-talastasan ako sa isang Batanguenyo o Marinduquenyo.

Taal na Cavitenyo ang ama ko, at ang lola ko, kahit na matagal na siya sa Amerika, ay hindi pa rin marunong mag-Ingles. Malalim talaga siyang mag-Tagalog.

Pero ang totoong sikreto ng aking kakayanan sa Tagalog ay: Valentine Romances Pocketbooks.

Likas akong mahilig mag-basa. Minsan, isang tag-araw, sobrang batong-bato ako na nahiram ko na halos lahat ng libro na nasa aklatan malapit sa amin. Katorse ako noong panahon na iyon. Kaya ayon, pati yung Valentine Romances eh pinatulan ko na. Ang Valentine Romances ay maihahambing sa Mills and Boon, Tagalog nga lang. Nakaka-aliw palang magbasa ng Valentine Romances kasi akala mo eh maguuwi na sa kama yung istorya...eh hindi pala lol. Nakalimutan kong CENSORED pala ito dahil Pilipinas 'to teh, hindi Amerika.

Kaya sa mga taong ayaw mag-Tagalog o di kaya eh likas na Inglesero/a dahil sa pagpapalaki sa kanila...nakakalungkot isipin ito dahil malaki ang nawawala sa isang Pilipino kapag nakalimutan niya na ang ating wika ay hindi lang nagpapayaman sa ating kultura, kungdi nagpapayaman din sa dunong ng utak natin. Alam niyo ba na ang taong matatas magsalita ng dalawang wika ay mas madaling matuto ng ikatlong wika? Na nakakaligtas sa pagiging ulyanin ang kaalaman ng higit sa isang wika?

Kaya hayan, mga kababayan. Tandaan niyo ang sinabi ni Jose Rizal: Ang hindi marunong mag-mahal sa sariling wika ay daig pa ang mabaho at malansang isda. BOW!

My Laptop; An Elegy

My Laptop, I barely knew Thee.

I was very happy the day I got my laptop. It was a Christmas present from my German family, who had all chipped in to get it for me. I badly needed one for work, and heaven heard my prayers. I have a desktop, inherited from a friend, and the sound wasn't going right. I needed Skype for my business, you see.

You had a built-in camera function, great sound, and free Windows. What more could I ask for?

Oh, you were so shiny and new that I was scared witless every time you got a scratch. I think the biggest scare was when some rainwater splashed on the laptop and it wouldn't switch on for a few hours. I called people I barely knew to ask for advice!

I called you mine and put a big, fat sticker on the front. My name. You were mine.

Oh, how cruel was it that you were taken so early from me. Last June 2, while we were away during Himmelfahrt weekend, you were taken stealthily from our apartment, Charger included. I tried to look for you on E-bay and second-hand shops, but in vain.

Oh Laptop, I cherish the short months we spent together, and I thank you for your service. Adieu.

Adventures in Elderberry

Elderberry season is long gone in Thuringia, but while it was still in full-bloom, I had a chance to try out an Amiexpat recipe and a German staple, Elderberry syrup, a recipe I got off the internet.

Once I knew what they looked like, I was shoked at how prevalent they really are: It's everywhere, like a freaking weed! All I needed to look for were blooms that were big and not bug-infested; it seems that black flies like sucking on the nectar.

First up is Hollerküchle .



I followed the recipe, but I didn't really dig it so much. I got a headache after eating a couple of them, because the aroma was so intense and sweet, and I can't stand really strong perfume. So this was probaby my first and last attempt at it.

Elderberry syrup isn't so hard to make: See recipe here

My husband likes it so much that we'll probably run out of syrup by the end of summer. This one is definitely a keeper.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Some of the best writing of this world come from a place of truth. May it be fiction or biography, it has to come from a kernel of truth or passion that expands out of the author, beyond herself. It knows no bounds.

Like the proverbial mustard seed.

I am going through a difficult time in my life right now, a place I am not ready to talk about just yet. I am not yet ready to share this grain of truth. This is the reason why I haven't been writing; I'd rather not write than write something that is not emanating from a place of honesty.

When I am ready, if I am ready, I'll let you know.

Them

"Oh, what a noisy little toy," said my mother in law as she critically inspected the new singing radio my son has been playing with for the past hour."Where did you get it?"
"My mother sent it over."
"Oh. Them."
Them. As if they were aliens from outer space.
--------------

Them. Coming from a culture where fourth cousins once removed are considered extended family, I find it endlessly curious that my German family has never met my Filipino family, and never the twain shall meet. They don't even speak the same language. While my family speaks English, Thomas's family, except for Thomas and his oldest brother, doesn't. That they don't even consider themselves related boggles my mind. My German family may visit the Philippines, but don't like the USA, being the good GDR relics they are. But they don't consider my relatives in the US as their relatives.

Ok, My paternal side of the family don't exactly get along or associate with the maternal side, but still, they know each other. Sometimes I fantasize what would happen if my brother in law meets my brother. They were born in the same year, but they couldn't be any more different. This disconnect makes me think, does six degrees of separation really apply here? Because these are two completely different worlds. I have managed to adjust to life in Germany. How will they find the Filipino life? Do they even think that they are somehow related to my kin?
---------------

Anyway, I've been thinking about this lately because my mother in law is taking my son and Thomas on holiday without me. She is paying for them both. I am fine with this, though I have a feeling that Mother and son kind of feel a bit guilty not taking me along. Thomas said that it is only fair, since I have spent two months of last year visiting my family without him. Fair enough.

While I am grateful that I will get a week's worth of a good night's sleep after 14 months, A part of me wonders if I am considered family. Or am I as expendable as my side, easily pushed out of their minds?

Egypt On My Mind

One of the benefits of living in Germany is that I have established friendships with a more diverse mix of foreigners than I have in the Philippines.

These recent riots in Egypt have been given a personal face by my friend Azza (not her real name), who is worried sick for her family in Cairo. She and her husband had lived in Egypt, and moved back here. The journalist part of myself is pumped, saying damnedfuckwhyamInotinCairo? As a Filipino, I see many parallels between what is happening in Egypt now and what happened in the Philippines in 1986. Yes, I am old enough to remember the end of Marcos rule and the shaky first Aquino administration. As an expat, I understand her worry.

She has said that she has an agreement with her parents that they have to miss call her phone every two hours as a sign that they're fine. She tries to call them back, but because the mobile signal comes and goes in waves, she hasn't always been successful. Government has all but cut off internet, and one sole provider, who services 8 percent of the country, still has its servers open. People are digging out their old modems and go dial up to at least have some form of connection on-line.

But her parents are not telling her the whole truth. Her sister, in a rage, called her because mom and dad were not picking up the phone. Her Sister told her everything that her parents have kept from her. That she (the sister) tried to go to work but police blocked all roads. She went out of her car to see what was going on and the police clubbed her head for daring to ask a question. She was able to go to work but is now trapped at the office. That was a week ago. Looters have been taking advantage of the absence of the menfolk and have been stealing from homes while holding the female residents at gunpoint. Because of this, grassroots-level neighborhood watches have been organized, since they can't trust the police to help them. And her brother has gone to the streets, which is even more dangerous.

She also says that rioting is starting to spread nationwide, which is a surprise to me since normally, revolutions mainly take place in the capital. Although I imagine that the more remote parts of Egypt have been spared from the breakdown of order.

I've been watching Al Jazeera "the only network that doesn't get its news from the hotel balcony," she says, and I am just gripped by what has been happening over there. I'm also worried for Egypt's economy. I know that the income gap is huge in Egypt, and I understand why Egypt's prosperity is not yet trickling down to the poorest of the poor, but I would feel so frustrated if I were Egyptian, since they are the largest economy in North Africa. I also personally feel heartbroken for Egypt's archeologists. Azza told me that the human shield protecting the museums, formed by people who care for Egypt's heritage, has been broken apart by violence. Who knows what's going on in there now. Apparently, the military is guarding the museum now .

Have you been riveted by what's happening in Egypt as I have been? I guess once a news junkie...

Things I Wished I Thought About...

When I first set off from Manila on June 13, 2006, I wasn't thinking, here is the beginning of the rest of my life. Here, I would start my new life. Sure, I sold off all my appliances and stuff, but it was mostly to finance my German lessons, and the adventure of it all had me in a thrall.

Four years and one kid later, I look at my son and realize with sadness that he will not grow up Filipino. Strange but true. I never thought I would end up thinking this, but somehow, knowing that he will probably not appreciate the art of eating dried fried squid dipped in vinegar, makes me sad.

I think that my husband realizes this too just now. That Antonio will not be German-German. He will be somewhere in between. He realizes now that there are some things that will always remain alien between us, and my realization that our son will have to negotiate this murky path towards identity alone, saddens me. It is difficult enough to find youself with both parents sharing a nationality. Who knows, maybe in the end he will embrace this in between two worlds identity of his.

I wish I had thought about the fucked up German school system. While it is good (if you use PISA rankings as a yardstick), I feel so sad to think about the enourmous pressure it puts children under. I mean, sure, I knew I wanted to be a writer when I was 12, but I feel it is cruel to pose that question to 6th graders. Not everyone knows what they want to be at that age. And to peg someone as a failure if they don't make Gymnasium? That is harsh. I want my child to have a childhood, like I had.

I wish that I could give my son the gift of three months of doing nothing. Summer vacation here is only eight weeks long, and falls on September--dab smack during the rainy season in the Philippines. How can he enjoy going back home when all he has rain, while knowing it is summer back in Germany? He will never know the pleasure of a chilly, rainy, tropical bed weather, so welcome after a scorching summer.

The best I can do is to show him, "son, this is what it means to be Filipino." I can give him my nationality (at least until he is 18) I can show him what it means to be Filipino (which not a lot of my countrymen have the luxury to think about). Then I can hope.

Time for a cool change

Thinking about the changes that have happened in my life, and the changes happening in my life right now have made me think: Maybe it's time to accept that I'm not who I used to be. I am a mom. I like cooking. I live a boring suburban life now.

Maybe it's time to incorporate that on my blog too.