Gimme Freedom. Gimme Shelter.

One of the things that I like about my relationship with Thomas is that he gives me a lot of personal freedom to pursue my interests, something that I have always believed in and something that I reciprocate wholeheartedly. A lot of people, Germans and Asians alike, could not understand how I could spend three months here in Spain on my own volition, to pursue a dream, without having my husband constantly at my side. Or why am I willing to work and support our family in times that Thomas, who is also a freelancer, takes time off from his job to focus on his ideas (I am not kidding. As a kid Thomas's ambition was to be an "inventor").

As individuals, one of the most binding aspects of our relationship is that we both crave freedom. The freedom to be ourselves, and our dread of the stifling obligations that people expect from their partners when they are in a relationship. Actually, one of our biggest communication problems is that neither knows, or knows how to express in a way the other would understand, the personal boundaries that they have and wish that their partner would respect.

Not to say that we don't want a safe haven. Of course we want that the other person will remain a stable rock for the other.

It has come to a point where I am considering babies. Yes, babies. I see babies everywhere. I find them adorable. For many people, children cement a relationship. For some they are the catalyst for its unraveling. I think that our relationship can handle children. Thomas said that being the typical GDR kid, he is not averse to having children at such a young age. The catch is that it was only recently, he said, has he sensed my willingness to have children. He is right.

I look forward to having a bratty baby, then a bratty teenager, in the hopes and in my smugness that I will do a better job than my mom. Being a typical woman, I have imagined conversations with my future child and how I would raise him/her, give him/her "the talk" and how to handle issues.

I asked myself am I willing to raise this child as a single mother, if it comes to that. The answer is yes.

On the other hand, I also fear the loss of freedom. The loss of freedom to pursue my own interests because I have a child. It is true that it is easier to raise children in East Germany, for that I am thankful. Day care and Kindergartens till 4 p.m. is a blessing for parents. In the Philippines, I grew up with yayas or live-in nannys, so my mother definitely had enough time to be herself when she needed to be. One of my greatest fears that I might bite off more than I could chew and find out that I have too late. If I move to West Germany or any other country, how am I gonna deal with lack of child care? What about my plan to live in Japan for a year to learn Japanese? What's gonna become of that? I know I sound selfish but ultimately, wanting children is a selfish endeavor, and I think that wanted children are mostly better off than unplanned ones.

Anyway I know that children will restrict me in a lot of ways, it is up to me to still exercise my identity. I hope I I don't end up resenting my child for "lost opportunities" or stuff like that. Maybe I need to redefine the meaning of freedom. Basta.