Too Much Information

Warning: Scatological references

This Birth Thing Ain't Easy. Boy, do I know that now.

I am kind of like the god Ares. I am not squeamish about seeing blood and violence. I lived near a hospital and was assigned to the police beat when I was in journ school. I've seen stabbed men, hovels, and the feces-covered walls of a city jail. But tell me a story about blood and gore and I go into hysterics. As long as I am not at the receiving end of a syringe I am fine. When I am, I really have to steel myself like a champion fighter. I am a wuss.

I've been taking these Geburtsvorbereitung (Birth prep)classes for the past couple of weeks. I thought in the beginning that they were relaxed affairs, Lamaze classes where you were taught how to breathe and push, with my supportive, loving hubby at my side.

Turns out that there's only one round of "partner classes" a month in my city, and I missed that boat. And that they don't teach us how to breathe, they were really BIRTH PREP courses. Like, they tell you what to expect and what's gonna happen.

So at last night's class, the midwife explained what to expect when we get to the hospital. Apparently, pregnant women in the last few weeks before the delivery become constipated. It is a side effect of the hormone progesterone, released by the body to prevent premature contractions. This also prevents the woman from *ahem* doing number 2.

Then the progesterone levels sink, starting the contractions and releasing a round of diarrhea.

Great huh?

If this doesn't happen, a woman is asked to try to force a bowel movement before delivery. This is done to try to make more room for the baby's head when it comes through the pelvis. Sometimes, a woman just "can't go." Some women suffer through performance anxiety.

"...Dann machen wir einen Einlauf." said the midwife.
"Was ist ein Einlauf?" I asked.

My face transformed from a look of curiosity to horror when she described what it was.

An enema.

I am gonna get an effing enema.

"But really, it will be a great relief to you when you get it! The baby coming out creates so much pressure, you would be thankful for a few millimeters more!"

Then she described the different methods used to anesthesize the area. The epidural, I knew that already. Then she said that that's only used if the pain is THAT INTENSE, and they'll try a less invasive method first.

For any woman who has had a yeast infection in Germany, the word "Zäpfchen" evokes a sense of slight dread. It is the German word for suppository. Considering that the baby is coming out of the front hole, You'd expect the suppository to go there.

But no, no, no. After the enema, I would get a Zäpfchen plugged in. The last time I used an anal suppository was when I was seven, during a bout of severe constipation. This one was supposed to numb the area, not to induce a bowel movement.

Mouth agape, I asked, "Warum dort?" (Why there?)

"Well, your intestinal muscles also control your cervical muscles, so numbing that area also numbs the cervical muscles."

Well, I guess since the baby is coming out the other end, putting the suppository at the back end makes sense.

So basically Not only would I have a sore front side, I'd also be dealing with a sore backside as well. Why did I sign up for this again?