That Funny English Language

There is really no other language that is as confusing, as contentious, as English

Working in a language school means that

a) You find out that there is no "one" English
b) Every teacher fancies himself an expert.

I never thought that we Filipinos had our "own" brand of English until I met these people. Jeff, a co-teacher called me over one day and said, "Hey Cathy, is it true that you use the word 'officemate' in the Philippines?"

Now in the dark, cobwebbed corners of my mind, the word 'officemate' made complete sense. Classmate is somebody who you study with, so why not use the word 'officemete' to describe somebody you work with? Besides, I thought that we Filipinos spoke American English?

"Yeah why? It's not used in America?"

"No." He then showed me the Wikipedia webpage on Filipino English, where a number of the words that I took for granted as "universal English" were actually "Filipinizations," if the word exists!

One time I wanted to use a "signpen" to sign a paper, so I asked Michelle, a Canadian teacher, if she had one.

"What's a signpen?"

"You know, a pen with ink."

"You mean a ballpoint pen?"

"No, a ballpoint pen is a ballpen. What I need is a pen with ink flowing from it."

Andrew from New Zealand asked, "You mean a fountain pen?"

"Kind of," I explained, "except that a fountain pen has a funny nib."

"You mean tip?" asked a perplexed Andrew!
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The corkboard in the teacher's room has become a minefield of jokes and confusion. Adam walked in one day after another teacher from New Zealand posted a photo with the words "Walking off in a strop" (Read: Walking away in a huff). He did a double-take and asked, "What's that?"

It is now ground zero the battle is now brewing between us and them, the "Brit boys" and American English speakers.

It all started in the teacher's room when Julian from England said that he doesn't drink coffee.

"Me neither." I said.

"'Me neither' is wrong," said Cain from England.

Hamish from Australia said, "I have never used the words 'me neither' until I got here. Where I come from, it's 'me either'."

I hate being corrected when I know I'm right, so I later asked Diane from New York (she has a Long Island accent) to back me up. She was kind enough to produce a piece of paper from the Teacher's Book stating the words "Me neither" is a valid response. I photocopied it, circled the item of interest with a red marker and underlined the words "ME NEITHER." The next day I saw that Hamish scrawled the words, "But that's Berlitz English, not proper English!" at the bottom of the page.

To clear things up, I presented the situation and asked everyone if they would use the words "me neither" in that situation. Andrew from Yorkshire (believe me, that's a whole other dialect), Bruce from New Zealand, and Earl from the US all confirmed that yes, "me neither" is not a mutant form of English. Apparently, the tiff ticked Diane off, who scrawled back "Sez you!" in red letters, just above Hamish's comment.

English is a funny, funny language. Don't get me started on German!