Living in Conscious Faith

Coming from a Catholic country, I have always took Catholicism for granted. I went to Catholic schools and went to a Catholic university. I studied the Bible and Salvation History in school. My family is also Catholic, but they weren't strict about it. I grew up with a Catholicism that recognized that the Church and the humans who serve in it are not perfect. I participated in a lot of Church activities. I worked in a Catholic magazine and worked for the press office of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines.

I did, and do, a lot of things that many people who criticize Christians as "hypocritical." I believe in contraception, I don't think that pre-martial sex is bad. Reading the Old Testament convinced me of that (Read about Lot's daughters). I believe that women should be priests and that although I would never do it myself, women should have the right to get an abortion. The Church making a big hoo-ha about people having free will to choose sin over good is a principle I think the clergy should put into practice. Homosexuality? Yes, the Bible says it is immoral. But I think that the story of David, God's favored, and Jonathan has been swept under the rug. Really, the homosexual subtext in that story just blows my mind. If you tell me to get my mind out of the gutter, please re-read that story.

I was Catholic because everybody was Catholic. I went to Church, but I did my own thing on the weekdays. I still do. I took it for granted.

Moving to East Germany, living with atheists, and having an atheist for a husband was for me a puzzle, at it was a revelation. One doesn't need religion to be an upright person. All religions can get along, as long as there is mutual respect and understanding. It hurts me sometimes when atheists challenge me to tell them what makes us better than them, because I don't think like that. I don't think that I am better than them. I just have found my personal truth, a belief that I believe in. It is not something that I have to, nor want to defend, because it is something that every person should discover for themselves.

Living in Germany made me think long and hard about being a Christian. Why am I a Christian? Do I want to be a Christian? Can I believe and worship my God in another religion (say, Universal, Wiccan or Lutheran)? Do I want to stay Catholic, despite the Church's flaws?


I spent a week in Taize in France, trying to answer those questions. It is a village an hour north of Lyon in the French countryside, an ecumenical retreat area run by the celibate Taize brothers. I ate prison food, spent three times a day in Church, and went to Bible study with a great bunch of people, from different countries and different Christian faiths. We talked about the Bible, argued about what Jesus's word really meant to us, and how they relate to us in the present day. We had a great moderator, Brother Jean-Marie. I was surprised to learn that there are a lot of Protestants are more dogmatic than Catholics about certain rules, like divorce.

Being there was like being in a Christian paradise, where everybody got along, and had civilized discussions about our differences. We discovered that we were more similar than we were different. As for my questions, I realized that I want to remain Christian. I will leave the Catholic question as it is right now. I will remain Catholic, but I will not, as I have not, closed myself from attending services from other Christian religions. I discovered that the thing that turns me off the most is when a Church damns people from other faiths, even if they are also Christian. I find that choosing to be Christian is really more liberating than just being one. I hope that people will respect this decision just as I respect their decision to believe in what they believe in.

A Crisis of Faith

I know that I write a lot about sex and dirty things here in my blog. In the Philippines, I found it easy to reconcile these things with being Catholic, because in the Philippines, everybody is Catholic, but people still go on with their merry lives. What we have are men and women who engage in pre-marital sex, but are afraid to use contraception because of Church teachings.

I am ashamed to say that I only took responsibility for my own fertility at the ripe old age of 27. All because my mother in law gave me an incredulous look and dragged me to the nearest gynecologist when I said that I used the natural family planning methods. What can I say? How can I expect you guys to understand my position? I have always been sexually liberated, but I was never taught artificial contraception in school and in University. I went to a Catholic University and an all girls Catholic school. We were taught natural methods but not artificial contraception. When artificial contraception was mentioned, the words "evil" and "abortifacient" and "cause for future infertility" came up. When I had a yeast infection, my gynecologist suggested that I "get married" to "save myself these worries." Luckily for me, I have regular periods and the natural family planning methods worked wonderfully. And I also used condoms, but not always correctly. My bad, but I dodged a bullet. However, my sister was and is not so lucky in that respect.

Here in Germany, religion is less a social tradition and more a personal belief (überzeugung). And here in Germany, I became more mature, mentally and spiritually.

And here comes my personal crisis, a philosophical question, if you will. I like being Catholic. I like the traditions, I like the sense of unity. I believe in God. I like the Catholic version of God. I don't regret being baptized, and I will not reject the overall values of the Catholic Church. I pay Church tax willingly.

However, I can't reconcile it with what the Church is doing in the Philippines: butting its nose in government affairs, forcing its views on a country, where not everybody is Catholic. I am considering stepping out of the Church, but I am still agonizing over this decision. Should I stay or should I go?

We Don't Need No Religion

Before my grandma passed away, my aunt sent me a package containing my SLR camera, Filipino noodles, and old issues of Kerygma, a very popular Filipino Christian/Catholic magazine.

The presence of these magazines in the package raised my eyebrows mile-high. I am in my second year of "living in sin" with Thomas, and I have absolutely no regrets. Despite my Catholic schoolgirl upbringing, I have abandoned my inhibitions about sex and my Catholic schoolgirl masturbation guilt. I know that my family will never see it the way that I do, that living a morally upright and spiritual life CAN be mutually exclusive from religion. I had the distinct feeling that the magazines in that package were a secret jab at my life decision of moving to Germany and living with somebody who is not only NOT Catholic, but doesn't have a religion.

People may think that it's a bit hypocritical of me to still be a regular churchgoer and live my lifestyle. I actually don't see it that way.

There was a time in my late teens and early 20s when I tried my darndest to fit myself into the Catholic mold. I worked for a Catholic magazine and a Catholic news organization. But try as I might, I never fit in. I just didn't believe in everything that the Catholic Church said, and still says. I once had a very enlightening discussion with an old co-worker about religion. People may leave because of misbehaving priests and other church scandals, but my ex-officemate said it the best:

"People who lose faith because of priests have a very shallow faith in the first place. You don't go to Church because of the institution, the institution is human and therefore weak. You go to church because you believe. If you believe in God, why would you base your faith on other people's actions within the Church?"

That hit a nerve. And you know what? Despite the Catholic Church and all its failings, I believe in God. I like going to church. I like the peace it gives me. I am aware that the priests are human. They make mistakes, some unforgivable. But why should I let the institution tarnish what I believe in? I grew up with the Catholic model of a God, so what is the point of changing?

Two months ago, I got into a discussion in Jena with a Brit who grew up in Switzerland. I generally avoid talking about religion, but this guy was fascinated by it and talked of nothing but. I told him of my belief that if Thomas's mom had some form of religion, she would be in a better state emotionally after her separation with her husband. Three years after and she is still as broken up about it as if it were yesterday.

He said that his father found religion after his divorce. With a fascinated tone, he revealed that although his father was not deeply religious, he became an active Anglican after his separation and his emotional healing was apparently very fast.

I offered my two cents. "It's the feeling of being needed, I think. It's the knowing, through these organizations, that there are worse problems than your own." He agreed.

Thomas may not be religious, but he respects my Catholic faith and goes to Church with me. He doesn't have a religion, but he does believe in a God. I will probably raise my children in the Catholic faith, but I won't pressure them to be Catholic. They may choose to be Buddhist or Muslim or Agnostic, I don't care. As long as they are good people with good hearts, that is all that matters. After all, being religious doesn't automatically mean that you are a good person.

I am convinced that although I have not taken the straight and narrow path, I am still innately a good and moral person. And Nobody is going to convince me otherwise.
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