I was always late, and not only for school and for appointments. I got my period a month later than my younger sister. She got a boyfriend at age 13, had a baby at 18, married by age 22. Where was I? In the corner, reading books. I finished school on time, and was the first among the brood to become a tax-paying member of society. Because of this, my folks called me "the career woman," maybe out of pride, maybe as a consolation, maybe as a way to establish an identity separate from my sister.
Truth be told, I don't relish responsibility. Sure, I'm responsible for my own life, doing whatever it is I do. I am very responsible in handling my money. However, the mere thought of being in charge of somebody else or something unrelated to me, something that I have to willingly commit myself to, gives me cold feet.
I don't like going through the trouble of being in charge of something. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me.
However, developments in my life seems that it is inevitable that I will one day have to take over something. I cannot go through life without being in charge of something, or else I would be doing myself a great disservice by missing out on opportunities.
Mrs. Boss' publicist, Gypsy, left me in charge of last Sunday's event, a horse race for the benefit of Mrs. Boss' foundation. I whined inwardly when he first told me that I was primarily responsible for the event, thinking that he was just being lazy.
Then he said the words, "Ikaw na ang bahala diyan, at matanda na ako." (Take care of it, I'm getting old for these things.)
Oh boy, I don't want to be Mrs. Boss' publicist! She can be a slave driver! I don't intend to stick around that long either!
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I had dinner last night with the Asian Journal team. Again, they said that Miko, the Philippine Bureau chief, will be joining the AJ team in Los Angeles. What made this announcement different from other announcements was that Sir Roger, AJ's publisher, said that he will be grooming two people in the office to take his place.
I hoped to God that he wasn't referring to me.
As I walked away from the party at 10 p.m., I thought why not me?
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I've always known that I demand too much of myself, expect too much of myself, to the point that I give up on things that I know are a long shot. Such is the paralyzing effect of my fear of failure. *sigh*
Life is forcing me to make an attitude re-adjutment.
NikkiAlfar
Tobie Abad
Gabby Lee
Andre Mischa Cleofe
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