Meat and Potatoes

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Men are visual, women rely on a more compleat sensory experience. He likes to look, I like to talk dirty.

I read somewhere that men are more turned on by hardcore pornography, while women like their porn movies with a plot, a narrative, soft lights, and wholesome, un-slutty looking women. I learned that I probably am an exception to this rule!

Looking for more variety in my sex life, I picked up a pirated porn video on my way home yesterday. The box read "Kama Sutra: Six-in-one video." As soon as I got home, Arashi-Kishu, pornographer and pirate, was eager to watch and learn.

Its not unusual for couples to watch and learn from pornography. Like every male, he has his own stash of porn, though it's not enough to rival Dean's

Now, I have nothing against pornography. As long as the players in it are legal, no anal, no animals, no children, no extremely weird fetishes, fine by me. But I have to reiterate that I am an FHM , not a Cosmo girl.

As soon as we hit the "play" button, we were greeted by a worried housewife who felt that she wasn't good enough in the sack. While house cleaning, she chances upon an old sex tape of her husband banging his ex-wife.

I am unused to watching women's porn, so I went "What the fuck?" I don't like it when women in my porn are insecure about their bodies.

What totally ruined the mood for me and made me burst out laughing was the scene where the "liberated" housewife was fake-banging her husband away. Her hubby, who was the "bottom," was obviously aroused by all the wriggling on top of him. He had his legs crossed, probably to hide his erection! Since this was soft-core stuff, the actors probably would like to think that they're not pornographers.

Second story was about a well-endowed lesbian who gets aroused while she peeks at her straight roomie with her boyfriend while making out .

Him: "Ooh, she looks slutty. Maybe this would be better than the last one."
Me: "I hope so. Push the forward button! Get to the sex!"
Lesbo on screen, to her shrink: "I have never been with a man before. So you think I'm missing something?"

So Lezzie proposes a threesome to straight roommate. Roommate agrees. Cut to the next scene, where the women are wearing Jane Fonda-style spandex thongs. The most boring three-way in the history of porn commences.

Me: "Are they serious?"
Him: "What are they wearing? Her ass looks ugly!"

By the time we made our way to movie number four, which demonstrated several sex positions for ex-gymnasts, I was already half-asleep, my libido completely gone. This was waaay more boring than the Paris Hilton sex video. This was evidence that given the right treatment, even sex can be boring!

Which means, I'll stick to good ole' hardcore American porn, thank you very much.