Blast from the Past

My friend Jac e-mailed me a friendster message pointing the way to Irran's new Friendster site. My curiosity was bigger than my loathing of him, and I got the shock of my day when I saw that he was in an "open marriage."

*Sigh.* I guess we're really not meant to be together. Irran was this guy I knew couple of years ago, fucked up and crazy. Just like me. We had the same interests, and we felt the same something. I'm certain of it. I was crazy about him. I would've slept with him, had his babies, everything. But he told me he was gay. I despaired. The day we broke up was the day I hooked up with Ernest, my secret sex friend. We met the night Irran and I celebrated our break-up, at some dive in Quezon City. I took up with Ernest partly because I wanted to erase the memory of Irran. I felt that Irran was THE GUY, The One. He was my perfect match in every way. But somehow, we couldn't get along. Everyone wondered why. He pushed me away every instance he could get. I was repulsed by him and attracted to him at the same time. I've never loved anyone like I have loved him, and never felt anything for anyone in the same way since. We always argued and argued but somehow I loved arguing. It was both an exhilirating, maddening, and confusing to be with his company.

He said that he could never commit to me because he was gay, or he was gonna be a priest, or whatever handy excuse. he had, and took every opportunity he could get to reiterate that what he felt for me was merely friendship. At first I was hurt, but as time wore on, acceptance crept in, then irritation. I wanted him to stop reminding me that we won't be a couple. Hello, I got the message!

After breaking up with Mervyl, one of the most defining experiences and break-up (life lessons aplenty) of my life, I decided to go straight. No more fucking around (except with Ernest), no smoking, no drugs, no more craziness, live my life straight and narrow. I re-assessed my friendships. Who among my friends really helped me? Who among them would make my life richer with their mere presence? Who among them really loved me? Who am I willing to give up my life up for? I decided that Irran was not one of those, nor did he deserve to be one of them, so I decided to cut my ties loose by squashing his ego, the one thing that has always been his weakness.

Life has been more peaceful. But I have no idea why my hands tremble as I write this.