After a week of waiting with bated breath, the doctors confirmed it.
My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I had prepared myself for such a diagnosis, and I prayed and prayed to all the saints in the Baclaran Redemptorist Church, please, please, don't let it be positive. Still, I was more distubed than I actually expected myself to be.
We are a family of strong women. In our family, it really is all about the women. My siblings and I have never really had a strong male influence. As with all my close female relatives, I had a complicated relationship with my aunt (*sigh* how come all my relationships are complicated?) She was my cheerleader. She believed in me when I didn't. At the other side of the coin, she can be a slave driver, she pushed me to places where I'm not sure I wanted to be. Especially when I was younger, I hated the fact that she was able to influence some of my decisions though she's in the US. She's Ms. Quid pro quo. She was my version of a stage mother. Before finding myself, I doubted for a time that my internal voice was actually a personalised mversion of her voice.
I'm not sure why I'm this upset. Why her? There are sick bastards running around the world, killing people, exploiting the environment. They deserve it. They deserve this. Not her. We don't have a history of cancer in our family. She is the first, actually. She has no major vice. Perhaps, some social drinking and smoking in her youth. Okay, she's 51 and menopausal, so her hormones are going awry. but that's it. Maybe this is her constantly sleep-deprived body's way of protest. We have always admired my aunt's ability to stay up in the most dire pa-morningan situations. But this is some vengeance!
I may be a small voice, but to every woman who reads this: Please get a pap smear regularly (I hate it but I do), Please do regular breast-checks (I hate it but I've done so since I had my period). Get tested for sexually-transmitted diseases (haha...I've tried several times to do this but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid to get this one.)
The problem with my life is, it's never boring.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Thursday, October 21, 2004
The Name is Bond...
...the girl band Bond, that is.
I've wanted to see the string quartet Bond in concert ever since I learned that they will be performing live in Manila. After months of teasing, I never thought that Major Silver, my boss' aide de camp, would actually make good on my cajoling and give me a ticket to see them live. I am not particularly fond of classical music, since I usually listen to classical music when I am in elevators, watching impossibly tall and white models make pouty faces on watch and liquor ads on TV, or when I watch old Loony Toons cartoons.
But there is the case of their beautiful English-Korean cellist, Gay-Yee. I had a crush on her. Looking at her sure beats looking at Yo-yo Ma (no offense to his fans).
Looking at Maj. Silver, you would never figure him out as a Bond fan. Surprisingly, I learned months before that he has all their albums, videos. Die hard, baby. He's this gruff military dude who I discovered last night was actually a soft romantic at heart, and surprisingly given the reputations of men in the service, undyingly faithful to his wife, who is working in Taiwan.
He bought the tickets just as the ticket counter was closing, and of course, I was pleasantly surprised when he sent me a text message to meet him at the venue.
There were a disproportionate number of young men apparently into classical music, or so it seems as I observed the concert-goers.
I have always thought the violin, especially the cello, was a very sensual instrument. As the hidden romantic in Maj. Silver revealed himself to me, I realized why he was so attracted to Bond. Well, there was also of course his huge crush on Haylie, on first violin. He bought the P500 cd/vcd set being sold and was exeptionally stiff during the concert. He even called his wife on his cellphone before the concert. In a conspiratorial tone, he admitted that he told his wife that he was going to the concert alone. Heh. I guess I had extraordinary persuasive powers, then. I made a point to tell him during my relentless campaign to see them in concert that it was my birthday, and he HAD to take me to watch Bond :p. It is no bother, anyway, since we saw the concert as friends.
The girls came out in cotton-candy tutu skirts and sleeveless tank tops. MY GAWD GAY-YEE WAS HOOOOT! Haylie was her usual sun-shiney presence. Tania was a bit bloated, probably still trying to shed off post-pregnancy pounds. Eos just glowed, with her very shiny blond hair.
They played the usual repertoire of classical songs, you know, the ones you frequently hear on the aforementioned cartoons and watch ads but don't know the names to except to say "theme from the Lone Ranger" and "Theme from the Night before Christmas." Unusual was the somewhat different arrangement, and their great back-up rock band, who really punked up the staid classical collections.
They even played a couple of disco numbers--on violin! It was great! This was what music is really about--to make you dance, to make you cry, to make you laugh, to make you recall. I may not have known the titles to the songs, but I knew what the music made me feel. It made me feel that I was the figurehead of a mighty ship, crusing on calm waters in sunny weather. The next song made me feel what it was like to wake up next to my beloved on an easy Sunday morning.
Their unusual selection of songs were also a riot! They played on acoustic strings the theme song of the movie Psycho--brilliant!
Of course they played their hits Shine and Victory at the last part. By this time Gay-Yee was wild! Despite her instrument, the biggest and most cumbersome in relation to her Bondmates (pardon the pun), she was shaking her bon-bon in a very delightful way! Jumping around, she played up to the audience, readily posing for their camera-phones, vamping it up to the old gentlemen in front. Of course when they played Victory I just had to stand up and dance along! My hands were sore because of clapping by the end of the night. They even returned for an encore with more disco!
This was not just a concert. It was an experience! Haylie, who adressed the audience at the beggining of the show, was right. Thank you, Bond, for allowing your music to "transport [me] to a strange, exotic paradise. "
I've wanted to see the string quartet Bond in concert ever since I learned that they will be performing live in Manila. After months of teasing, I never thought that Major Silver, my boss' aide de camp, would actually make good on my cajoling and give me a ticket to see them live. I am not particularly fond of classical music, since I usually listen to classical music when I am in elevators, watching impossibly tall and white models make pouty faces on watch and liquor ads on TV, or when I watch old Loony Toons cartoons.
But there is the case of their beautiful English-Korean cellist, Gay-Yee. I had a crush on her. Looking at her sure beats looking at Yo-yo Ma (no offense to his fans).
Looking at Maj. Silver, you would never figure him out as a Bond fan. Surprisingly, I learned months before that he has all their albums, videos. Die hard, baby. He's this gruff military dude who I discovered last night was actually a soft romantic at heart, and surprisingly given the reputations of men in the service, undyingly faithful to his wife, who is working in Taiwan.
He bought the tickets just as the ticket counter was closing, and of course, I was pleasantly surprised when he sent me a text message to meet him at the venue.
There were a disproportionate number of young men apparently into classical music, or so it seems as I observed the concert-goers.
I have always thought the violin, especially the cello, was a very sensual instrument. As the hidden romantic in Maj. Silver revealed himself to me, I realized why he was so attracted to Bond. Well, there was also of course his huge crush on Haylie, on first violin. He bought the P500 cd/vcd set being sold and was exeptionally stiff during the concert. He even called his wife on his cellphone before the concert. In a conspiratorial tone, he admitted that he told his wife that he was going to the concert alone. Heh. I guess I had extraordinary persuasive powers, then. I made a point to tell him during my relentless campaign to see them in concert that it was my birthday, and he HAD to take me to watch Bond :p. It is no bother, anyway, since we saw the concert as friends.
The girls came out in cotton-candy tutu skirts and sleeveless tank tops. MY GAWD GAY-YEE WAS HOOOOT! Haylie was her usual sun-shiney presence. Tania was a bit bloated, probably still trying to shed off post-pregnancy pounds. Eos just glowed, with her very shiny blond hair.
They played the usual repertoire of classical songs, you know, the ones you frequently hear on the aforementioned cartoons and watch ads but don't know the names to except to say "theme from the Lone Ranger" and "Theme from the Night before Christmas." Unusual was the somewhat different arrangement, and their great back-up rock band, who really punked up the staid classical collections.
They even played a couple of disco numbers--on violin! It was great! This was what music is really about--to make you dance, to make you cry, to make you laugh, to make you recall. I may not have known the titles to the songs, but I knew what the music made me feel. It made me feel that I was the figurehead of a mighty ship, crusing on calm waters in sunny weather. The next song made me feel what it was like to wake up next to my beloved on an easy Sunday morning.
Their unusual selection of songs were also a riot! They played on acoustic strings the theme song of the movie Psycho--brilliant!
Of course they played their hits Shine and Victory at the last part. By this time Gay-Yee was wild! Despite her instrument, the biggest and most cumbersome in relation to her Bondmates (pardon the pun), she was shaking her bon-bon in a very delightful way! Jumping around, she played up to the audience, readily posing for their camera-phones, vamping it up to the old gentlemen in front. Of course when they played Victory I just had to stand up and dance along! My hands were sore because of clapping by the end of the night. They even returned for an encore with more disco!
This was not just a concert. It was an experience! Haylie, who adressed the audience at the beggining of the show, was right. Thank you, Bond, for allowing your music to "transport [me] to a strange, exotic paradise. "
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
On turning 25
What's up by the 4 non-blondes
25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
So I cry somethimes when I'm lying in bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step Outside
I take deep breathI get real high
Then I scream from the top of my lungs
'What's goin' on?'
And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on
And I try, oh my God do I tryI try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day For a revolution
So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in my bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
I take a deep breath then I get real high
Then I scream from the top of my lungs"What's goin' on?"
And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...I said hey what's goin' on
25 years of my life and stillI'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
Monday, October 18, 2004
WE ARE THE GEEKS
I think I was a born geek. I learned to read at age 3. English is my first language.
I cannot recall a time I was never a geek. Strange things have always fascinated me, sometimes to the point of mania. My life has revolved from one geeky, semi-socially acceptable interest to another. When I was eight, I was ENAMORED over the animated "The Real Ghostbusters", collecting stickers, stationery. I would religiously watch episodes on Channel 2 every Friday night, listing down the names of the ghosts they busted in my little notebook. In high school, I was hooked on the X-Files after watching episode 3--"Squeeze"--which featured a liver-eating immortal man. I wrote letters to the stars, joined fan clubs, squealed at TV shows, bought magazines. you name it. My obsession lasted two years, then petered out when the storyline got too confusing. After a very bad break-up with an ex, I distracted myself from heartache by indulging in Anime. 24- hour anime watching marathons, blowing a month's pay on new pirated discs of the latest Japanese anime, cosplaying...
Alas, people aren't kind to geeks like me. I was constantly ridiculed in grade school and high school because I was never interested in the things that my classmates liked. Called names, made fun of...I cannot recall the number of years I've spent eating my recess snacks alone, dismissed and lumped together, named in the same breath with the class weirdo; a pale, thin girl who talked to plants. To make matters worse, my sister was immensely popular. Class cheerleader, Crush ng Bayan, pretty and poised. In other words, my exact opposite.
In college I "found myself." More precisely, I discovered that I was no pushover. I was not weird. I was not the butt of jokes. In fact, I found out that I was pretty cool. And pretty hot, too. Geeks of the World, I daresay that I discovered that the GEEKS RULE THE WORLD. We are the Arbiters of Cool. We declare what is in, what is hip. what is cool.
Who first mourned the death of Superman before people started wearing "Death of Superman" logo-ed T-shirts that sprouted everywhere? The Comic book geeks did. Who eagerly anticipated "Meteor Garden," the live-action version of the anime "Hana Yori Dango" before the rest of the Philippines caught on? The Anime otakus. Who were the first people who distributed pirated versions of "The Ring" to the underground scene before the Americans bastardized the damn movie? The movie geeks.
We are ostracized because people fear the unknown. We are so fucking cool that we are ahead of our time. Play with your Heroclix, prance in your costumes, worship Stan Lee. To all closet geeks or geeks in denial, I say, damn convention. Stand tall, stand proud. We are the the mighty, the few. WE ARE THE GEEKS.
I cannot recall a time I was never a geek. Strange things have always fascinated me, sometimes to the point of mania. My life has revolved from one geeky, semi-socially acceptable interest to another. When I was eight, I was ENAMORED over the animated "The Real Ghostbusters", collecting stickers, stationery. I would religiously watch episodes on Channel 2 every Friday night, listing down the names of the ghosts they busted in my little notebook. In high school, I was hooked on the X-Files after watching episode 3--"Squeeze"--which featured a liver-eating immortal man. I wrote letters to the stars, joined fan clubs, squealed at TV shows, bought magazines. you name it. My obsession lasted two years, then petered out when the storyline got too confusing. After a very bad break-up with an ex, I distracted myself from heartache by indulging in Anime. 24- hour anime watching marathons, blowing a month's pay on new pirated discs of the latest Japanese anime, cosplaying...
Alas, people aren't kind to geeks like me. I was constantly ridiculed in grade school and high school because I was never interested in the things that my classmates liked. Called names, made fun of...I cannot recall the number of years I've spent eating my recess snacks alone, dismissed and lumped together, named in the same breath with the class weirdo; a pale, thin girl who talked to plants. To make matters worse, my sister was immensely popular. Class cheerleader, Crush ng Bayan, pretty and poised. In other words, my exact opposite.
In college I "found myself." More precisely, I discovered that I was no pushover. I was not weird. I was not the butt of jokes. In fact, I found out that I was pretty cool. And pretty hot, too. Geeks of the World, I daresay that I discovered that the GEEKS RULE THE WORLD. We are the Arbiters of Cool. We declare what is in, what is hip. what is cool.
Who first mourned the death of Superman before people started wearing "Death of Superman" logo-ed T-shirts that sprouted everywhere? The Comic book geeks did. Who eagerly anticipated "Meteor Garden," the live-action version of the anime "Hana Yori Dango" before the rest of the Philippines caught on? The Anime otakus. Who were the first people who distributed pirated versions of "The Ring" to the underground scene before the Americans bastardized the damn movie? The movie geeks.
We are ostracized because people fear the unknown. We are so fucking cool that we are ahead of our time. Play with your Heroclix, prance in your costumes, worship Stan Lee. To all closet geeks or geeks in denial, I say, damn convention. Stand tall, stand proud. We are the the mighty, the few. WE ARE THE GEEKS.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Level Up
The great thing about working for a politician is that you get free invites to openings and cocktails. Last Wednesday I went to the 92nd anniversary of the Manila Hotel. Yesterday, despite dodgy relations with China, Taiwan and the Philippine creme dela creme (and I)celebrated its 93rd National Day in Shangri-La Makati.
Why do I love them parties?
1) I get to doll myself up and wear all my pretty cocktail dresses
2) I get to eat 5-star restaurant food for free
3) Who knows? I may land myself a rich husband in these shindigs!
4)It makes me more socially significant than I actually am.
Women usually want fame, money, security. I want power. The power over my own destiny and the power to be able to influence other people on a massive scale. People usually think that ambition for power is a masculine desire. However, I've always considered myself a masculine woman. I don't want to be a politician. Too big a headache, too much trouble than its actually worth. My friend says that I have delusions of grandeur. I protested at first. But upon introspection, he's right.
I am admittedly a social climber. There is no shame in that. Depite tacky associations of trying-hard people trying to finagle their way into high society, I would say that social climbing is only shameful if you don't do anything to work for it. Why should people be ashamed of trying to better themselves, making something out of their lives? Where else do you expect me to go people? If I am to be mobile, I'd rather be upwardly mobile than stagnate or go down. There are only two directions in life. Forward and backward. How would you rather grow? It's part of my quest to be the biggest and best version of myself I could possibly be.
RULE OF THUMB: If you are to social-climb, do it with finesse! Be classy people, and don't push yourself too much into a crowd that doesn't want you. You're better off without them
anyway.
Why do I love them parties?
1) I get to doll myself up and wear all my pretty cocktail dresses
2) I get to eat 5-star restaurant food for free
3) Who knows? I may land myself a rich husband in these shindigs!
4)It makes me more socially significant than I actually am.
Women usually want fame, money, security. I want power. The power over my own destiny and the power to be able to influence other people on a massive scale. People usually think that ambition for power is a masculine desire. However, I've always considered myself a masculine woman. I don't want to be a politician. Too big a headache, too much trouble than its actually worth. My friend says that I have delusions of grandeur. I protested at first. But upon introspection, he's right.
I am admittedly a social climber. There is no shame in that. Depite tacky associations of trying-hard people trying to finagle their way into high society, I would say that social climbing is only shameful if you don't do anything to work for it. Why should people be ashamed of trying to better themselves, making something out of their lives? Where else do you expect me to go people? If I am to be mobile, I'd rather be upwardly mobile than stagnate or go down. There are only two directions in life. Forward and backward. How would you rather grow? It's part of my quest to be the biggest and best version of myself I could possibly be.
RULE OF THUMB: If you are to social-climb, do it with finesse! Be classy people, and don't push yourself too much into a crowd that doesn't want you. You're better off without them
anyway.
* * *
I have noticed that people usually fall in love with their projection of the person they love rather than the person that they are. I feel that this is a bit too unrealistic. What if the person won't change the way you want? People are too unpredictable, that I know. We can't be contained into statistics and figures. No matter how hard you try to manipulate outcomes, planning can only go so far. Depending on the falliability of the person to determine outcomes is mostly a hit or miss affair. I belong to the school of riding things out and work with what comes out of the situation.
What if the person never matures? Or matures in a way where you are no longer necessary? Needs to grow without your benefit? What if the person never gets that job, changes for the better, stops drinking, stops slapping you around?
My lastest relationships have been with men younger than me. I found out that no matter how hard you try to be patient with them, they will have to grow up by themselves, without you. Without your guidance. I think it's too presumptuous and pompous to think that you can actually influence a person who doesn't seek your help. You can merely be a guide, be there when they need you. I could never push myself into a situation wherein they did not seek my help.
Try to love for who they are, rather than what they can become.
* * *
My office mate told me that I remind her of Milla Jovovich. It must be the lean and scruffy look.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Looking Back...Looking Forward
I have to get this out of the way first...I had a good hair day today! I am soo happy! I was thinking of getting a haircut, then today I had a good hair day, which let me see all the possibilities that my hair can achieve! It looks like Sharon Cuneta's hairdo during her PS I Love You days.
I was scanning my Friendster account and I had the itch to check out my ex's file. C'mon people, who hasn't done it? Friendster has been so convenient in tracking down old connections, you might as well try to sneak in a peek at what your old flame has been up to. But instead of looking at his account, I decided to check his current girlfriend's account. And what I saw made me disappointed in myself. When we broke up, I led myself to believe *mark my words you dickhead* that he will never have it as good as me. It seems that he has found better. I felt good for him in a way but surprisingly bad at myself. Seems that girlie here is a little more academically accomplished than me, though I am prettier (ha!) It's like being in a locker room where girls compare body attributes...except the girl doesn't know that I'm measuring myself against her.
A post-shopping/merienda conference with two of my favorite friends helped me decipher this weird human compulsion. Girlfriend attributed it to the fact where you want to see that you have actually done better than your ex. Smug at your superiority, we bask in the fact that we are "better than the Joneses."
"But what happens when you find out that he actually has traded up...better than you?"
Boyfriend: "Then you go, 'What did she see in that loser?'"
Ahhh...sourgraping. The favorite hobby of the bitter. But I vowed never to return to being rancid.
I know it's bad to compare, whether you're on top or on the bottom rung. We're two different people. If there's anything I've learned living with my sister, comparing two people is like comparing apples and oranges. Well, I'm definitely over him. I guess I've learned my lesson: Never look at an ex's account ever again, even to snoop! It opens old wounds.
Seeing two of my friends attached to the unlikeliest men has got me thinking...Maybe I should consider dating a guy less attractive than I am. I've always had a weak spot for good-looking men, and it seems to have gotten me nowhere. Like other women who have decided to "settle," they probably have found out that guys who are not very attractive aren't too distracted by their ego to lose focus in the relationship. It may be that I haven't found the right guy, but could it be possible that I may be raising the bar too high? That I am actually discounting a lot of great but not very cute men out there? That I am a shallow betch (hi Chona!)? That they know something that I have't realized yet? That they're ahead of the game than I am? These guys may not be my type...
I attended the Toastmasters International-Luzon conference today and this guy who I've known for sometime was totally flirting with me. Some of my fellow Toastmasters thought that we were an item. I just went along with the game. I'm not sure if he wants a relationship or some ass, but it kinda got me thinking...
...Sure he ain't hot.
...but hooking up with him isn't unfeasible.
We have a lot in common...i like him, though not really that way...
...and the thought of sleeping with him doesn't repulse me...
hmmm...
We'll see what happens on Sunday. He sent me a text message tonight, saying that he wished he booked a room at the hotel where the convention was held so we could've "talked all night." Yeah, right.
Oh well... should I settle? Are un-cute men the future?
I was scanning my Friendster account and I had the itch to check out my ex's file. C'mon people, who hasn't done it? Friendster has been so convenient in tracking down old connections, you might as well try to sneak in a peek at what your old flame has been up to. But instead of looking at his account, I decided to check his current girlfriend's account. And what I saw made me disappointed in myself. When we broke up, I led myself to believe *mark my words you dickhead* that he will never have it as good as me. It seems that he has found better. I felt good for him in a way but surprisingly bad at myself. Seems that girlie here is a little more academically accomplished than me, though I am prettier (ha!) It's like being in a locker room where girls compare body attributes...except the girl doesn't know that I'm measuring myself against her.
A post-shopping/merienda conference with two of my favorite friends helped me decipher this weird human compulsion. Girlfriend attributed it to the fact where you want to see that you have actually done better than your ex. Smug at your superiority, we bask in the fact that we are "better than the Joneses."
"But what happens when you find out that he actually has traded up...better than you?"
Boyfriend: "Then you go, 'What did she see in that loser?'"
Ahhh...sourgraping. The favorite hobby of the bitter. But I vowed never to return to being rancid.
I know it's bad to compare, whether you're on top or on the bottom rung. We're two different people. If there's anything I've learned living with my sister, comparing two people is like comparing apples and oranges. Well, I'm definitely over him. I guess I've learned my lesson: Never look at an ex's account ever again, even to snoop! It opens old wounds.
Seeing two of my friends attached to the unlikeliest men has got me thinking...Maybe I should consider dating a guy less attractive than I am. I've always had a weak spot for good-looking men, and it seems to have gotten me nowhere. Like other women who have decided to "settle," they probably have found out that guys who are not very attractive aren't too distracted by their ego to lose focus in the relationship. It may be that I haven't found the right guy, but could it be possible that I may be raising the bar too high? That I am actually discounting a lot of great but not very cute men out there? That I am a shallow betch (hi Chona!)? That they know something that I have't realized yet? That they're ahead of the game than I am? These guys may not be my type...
I attended the Toastmasters International-Luzon conference today and this guy who I've known for sometime was totally flirting with me. Some of my fellow Toastmasters thought that we were an item. I just went along with the game. I'm not sure if he wants a relationship or some ass, but it kinda got me thinking...
...Sure he ain't hot.
...but hooking up with him isn't unfeasible.
We have a lot in common...i like him, though not really that way...
...and the thought of sleeping with him doesn't repulse me...
hmmm...
We'll see what happens on Sunday. He sent me a text message tonight, saying that he wished he booked a room at the hotel where the convention was held so we could've "talked all night." Yeah, right.
Oh well... should I settle? Are un-cute men the future?
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
My Secret Love
I would personally never enter into a relationship that would need to be kept secret. I've gotten burned pretty badly in relationships that needed to be kept secret. It turns out there is a pretty compelling reason for my partner to want to keep the relationship secret...which turns out to be detrimental to my welfare.
There are various reasons why a liaison should be kept under wraps. The three leading causes are:
1) Your paramour is married/attached
2) you live in a restrictive culture/family. This holds especially true in cases where a lover's family is conservative/restrictive or when the relationship is homosexual
3) it is an office romance.
Unfortunately, I have seen cases of all three.
The first one is most hurtful. Not only to the lovers, but to the families (and children) involved as weel. My father's on the side shenanigans, unfortunately, is considered acceptable in Philippine society. Girls are taught to grin and bear it, since anyway, my husband still goes home to me. Rarely do these affairs work, and they only probably do because the lovers were actually probably meant to be with each other. This is one convention that I would probably never defy.
My friend's latest office romance has gotten me to reminisce about Mr. FedEx, a guy I dated while I was working there. Turns out the reason why he wanted to keep the relationship secret was he was shagging the boss as well. A blow to the ego and a blow to the heart. Office romances can work, but it gets awkward as hell when it doesn't. In this type of affair, advices are never really standard, since no two romances are the same. All I can say to this is, love and let love. Hopefully it all works out for the best. Besides, a lot of office romances are actually extra-marital affairs.
Familial/societal constraints usually engender "you and me against the world" type situations, and usually galvanizes lovers toward defiance of society or family. This is a situation where both parties could actually churn out a happy ending. I have a sneaking suspicion that two of my friends are at it again. HAAAY! Bahala kayo! On-off, on-off. Oh well it's none of my business and I don't want to pry, so good luck to you both!
RULE OF THUMB: If an affair needs to be kept secret, there is usually something fishy going on. If you want to live your life in honesty, then don't engage in "secret romances." If you still decide to defy convention, well, good luck, and for your sake, I hope you don;t get caught too soon.
There are various reasons why a liaison should be kept under wraps. The three leading causes are:
1) Your paramour is married/attached
2) you live in a restrictive culture/family. This holds especially true in cases where a lover's family is conservative/restrictive or when the relationship is homosexual
3) it is an office romance.
Unfortunately, I have seen cases of all three.
The first one is most hurtful. Not only to the lovers, but to the families (and children) involved as weel. My father's on the side shenanigans, unfortunately, is considered acceptable in Philippine society. Girls are taught to grin and bear it, since anyway, my husband still goes home to me. Rarely do these affairs work, and they only probably do because the lovers were actually probably meant to be with each other. This is one convention that I would probably never defy.
My friend's latest office romance has gotten me to reminisce about Mr. FedEx, a guy I dated while I was working there. Turns out the reason why he wanted to keep the relationship secret was he was shagging the boss as well. A blow to the ego and a blow to the heart. Office romances can work, but it gets awkward as hell when it doesn't. In this type of affair, advices are never really standard, since no two romances are the same. All I can say to this is, love and let love. Hopefully it all works out for the best. Besides, a lot of office romances are actually extra-marital affairs.
Familial/societal constraints usually engender "you and me against the world" type situations, and usually galvanizes lovers toward defiance of society or family. This is a situation where both parties could actually churn out a happy ending. I have a sneaking suspicion that two of my friends are at it again. HAAAY! Bahala kayo! On-off, on-off. Oh well it's none of my business and I don't want to pry, so good luck to you both!
RULE OF THUMB: If an affair needs to be kept secret, there is usually something fishy going on. If you want to live your life in honesty, then don't engage in "secret romances." If you still decide to defy convention, well, good luck, and for your sake, I hope you don;t get caught too soon.
Friday, September 24, 2004
I Dream of Yummy Chocolate-Covered models
I've never really been a Cosmo girl. I'm not a big fan of The Rules either. I prefer looking at FHM. That said....
The Cosmo Bachelor Bash was A BLAST!
The characters of this tale are me, my sister, my friend Leslie, my sister's friend April and her officemate CJ (hot but gay) at around 8...As I was in my best Carrie-inspired outfit (Mango cleavage-baring denim dress and colorful abaca-fiber bag), I scanned the long lines and surveyed the crowd...lotsa women and more than a smattering of pa-mhin gays and "meterosexual" closet queens. After we finally got in, we weaved our way through the crowd, celebrity-spotting...models galore, all unfortunately probably attached. The men there were either hot models, jealous bfs and the aforementioned closet cases. Icky gay bar graduates gyrated and rubbed their pelvises in an attempt to attract women. These model types, they aren't exactly my cup o' tea ya see.
After enduring a sweaty two hours of waiting partly eased by the iced vodkas that flowed freely, the show finally begun. But wait! No! Host Angel Jacob had to keep us waiting even more. She had a few parlor games in store for the crowd. After a lackluster couple of minutes, she announced that there was gonna be an "Astring-o-sol Kissing game." I gasped. I had to enter this contest. I have never lost a kissing game. Ever. And I usually kiss complete strangers!
Three models came in to offer themselves to us (me). I.. just.. had.. to.. get.. in..
So i just strutted up front to volunteer myself. We were supposed to smear and lick off chocolate syrup on the model's "hottest body part." I chose the second model, the yummiest of the bunch. Tisoy and flawless! He actually looked like Carlo, a guy who I've been flirting with but never went out with because of his reputation as a player. I introduced myself to the crowd. Volunteers included a mahinhin-type and a chubby girl in a miniskirt.
Me: May gf ka ba?
Model: Meron.
Me. Uy wag ka magagalit ah. Plese tell her wag shang magseselos, game lang to. Paglalaruan lang naman kita eh. Ok lang ba yun?
Model: (nervously) Ah, Oo.
Me: GAme lang naman to eh. You can touch anything except my breasts (my cardinal rule in these contests)
Scanning him head to toe....
Me: ON second thought, Kahit ano puwede! BAsta game lang to ha, wala sanang magagalit
Model: Ah wala naman! (Ganon!?)
First girl smears chocolate over guys nipples and licks it off. I was strategizing my move.
Me: I want you to lie down on the floor. Ok lang ba yun?
Model : Ha?
Our turn.
He starts to lay on his back. I turn him over (YEA BABY I AM A DOMINATRIX BITCH!) and with his head facing the end of thte runway. I straddle him and pour chocolate on his mouth, his neck, down to his navel. If I could've gone lower I wouldn't mind :P and proceeded to lick him from his mouth to navel. The crowd goes wild. I then wipe off excess chocolate from his chest bowl with my fingers and lick him. John Lapus, whom was seated at the VIP area, was salivating at the model, I swear.
The third girl.
My model was so yummy that I kept on licking him even after our turn was up, as I was thanking him for being such a good sport. He was so sweet, smiling as he handed over wet wipes to wipe off the chocolate smeared all over my face, hands, and cleavage.
Third girl of course had to upstage me. Upright, she straddles the model, gets model to lift her legs, and as she simulated sex, licked him everywhere. Model was definitely not digging the chick, and drew his face away whenever she tried to get close to his lips. Of course third girl won.
As she was distributing the prizes...
Host Angel Jacob (to me): Okay lang naman, at least naka-halik ka! (luka-luka!)
BAck at home base with my friends, my sister, as usual, shook her head. She is more than used to my stupid human stunts (like last Halloween night). My other companions, unused to seeing this side of me, said that "Okay lang na talo ka! Grabe naman yun babae, ano napatunayan nun? panalo sha sa pagka ***-***? " and "Wala shang originality!"
I just smile.
The fashion show was a sweaty hour of models, taunting and teasing the crowd with the promise of "baring it all" but never really doing it. Very unoriginal. In general, I felt that the show was catered toward the gays in the crowd and not the girls, since their on-stage antics was more benta with them than the girls. Lucky Nicolette Bell, every male model strutted in front of her and gave her and Raya MAnanquil (all in the VIP section) special attention. It's too unfortunate that women are generally so uncomfortable with their sexuality that they have to rely on gay men to direct shows to flesh out these fantasies. It was all too beefcake, I no likey. Of course, they had to reserve the top 10 Centerfolds (I love you Brent Javier!) for last. Climax of the show was Christian Vasquez, attached to strings, flying over the crowd ala The Matrix.
After the event, I had my picture taken with Brent JAvier's huge poster in the NBC Tent lobby in a saucy pose (captured by the GMA-7 cameramen). John Lapus called me over. "Di ba ikaw yung babae dun sa stage?" And proceeded to interview me for "The Buzz."
John Lapus: Dalaga ka pa ba?
Me: OO!
JL: Sa Tingin mo magkaka-BF ka pagkatapos ng ginawa mo?
Me: Baka hindi na!
JL: Ano masasabi mo sa kanya (the model)?
Me: YUMMY!
JL: Sino pinunta mo dito?
Me: Si Brent Javier!
Then he proceeded to make me inggit with his Cosmo mag,with an autographed photo of Brent Javier and his notebook.
I never got to run into the model again. I wanted to get his name sana. Oh well... I am currently nervous because I'm dead if Mrs. Boss actually sees me on the BUzz. My aunt too. Oh gosh, I hope they edit my interview and clip. If I get busted, okay lang. I got to lick a yummy chocolate-covered model, with the eight bottles of Astring-o-sol and stained dress to prove it ;p
The Cosmo Bachelor Bash was A BLAST!
The characters of this tale are me, my sister, my friend Leslie, my sister's friend April and her officemate CJ (hot but gay) at around 8...As I was in my best Carrie-inspired outfit (Mango cleavage-baring denim dress and colorful abaca-fiber bag), I scanned the long lines and surveyed the crowd...lotsa women and more than a smattering of pa-mhin gays and "meterosexual" closet queens. After we finally got in, we weaved our way through the crowd, celebrity-spotting...models galore, all unfortunately probably attached. The men there were either hot models, jealous bfs and the aforementioned closet cases. Icky gay bar graduates gyrated and rubbed their pelvises in an attempt to attract women. These model types, they aren't exactly my cup o' tea ya see.
After enduring a sweaty two hours of waiting partly eased by the iced vodkas that flowed freely, the show finally begun. But wait! No! Host Angel Jacob had to keep us waiting even more. She had a few parlor games in store for the crowd. After a lackluster couple of minutes, she announced that there was gonna be an "Astring-o-sol Kissing game." I gasped. I had to enter this contest. I have never lost a kissing game. Ever. And I usually kiss complete strangers!
Three models came in to offer themselves to us (me). I.. just.. had.. to.. get.. in..
So i just strutted up front to volunteer myself. We were supposed to smear and lick off chocolate syrup on the model's "hottest body part." I chose the second model, the yummiest of the bunch. Tisoy and flawless! He actually looked like Carlo, a guy who I've been flirting with but never went out with because of his reputation as a player. I introduced myself to the crowd. Volunteers included a mahinhin-type and a chubby girl in a miniskirt.
Me: May gf ka ba?
Model: Meron.
Me. Uy wag ka magagalit ah. Plese tell her wag shang magseselos, game lang to. Paglalaruan lang naman kita eh. Ok lang ba yun?
Model: (nervously) Ah, Oo.
Me: GAme lang naman to eh. You can touch anything except my breasts (my cardinal rule in these contests)
Scanning him head to toe....
Me: ON second thought, Kahit ano puwede! BAsta game lang to ha, wala sanang magagalit
Model: Ah wala naman! (Ganon!?)
First girl smears chocolate over guys nipples and licks it off. I was strategizing my move.
Me: I want you to lie down on the floor. Ok lang ba yun?
Model : Ha?
Our turn.
He starts to lay on his back. I turn him over (YEA BABY I AM A DOMINATRIX BITCH!) and with his head facing the end of thte runway. I straddle him and pour chocolate on his mouth, his neck, down to his navel. If I could've gone lower I wouldn't mind :P and proceeded to lick him from his mouth to navel. The crowd goes wild. I then wipe off excess chocolate from his chest bowl with my fingers and lick him. John Lapus, whom was seated at the VIP area, was salivating at the model, I swear.
The third girl.
My model was so yummy that I kept on licking him even after our turn was up, as I was thanking him for being such a good sport. He was so sweet, smiling as he handed over wet wipes to wipe off the chocolate smeared all over my face, hands, and cleavage.
Third girl of course had to upstage me. Upright, she straddles the model, gets model to lift her legs, and as she simulated sex, licked him everywhere. Model was definitely not digging the chick, and drew his face away whenever she tried to get close to his lips. Of course third girl won.
As she was distributing the prizes...
Host Angel Jacob (to me): Okay lang naman, at least naka-halik ka! (luka-luka!)
BAck at home base with my friends, my sister, as usual, shook her head. She is more than used to my stupid human stunts (like last Halloween night). My other companions, unused to seeing this side of me, said that "Okay lang na talo ka! Grabe naman yun babae, ano napatunayan nun? panalo sha sa pagka ***-***? " and "Wala shang originality!"
I just smile.
The fashion show was a sweaty hour of models, taunting and teasing the crowd with the promise of "baring it all" but never really doing it. Very unoriginal. In general, I felt that the show was catered toward the gays in the crowd and not the girls, since their on-stage antics was more benta with them than the girls. Lucky Nicolette Bell, every male model strutted in front of her and gave her and Raya MAnanquil (all in the VIP section) special attention. It's too unfortunate that women are generally so uncomfortable with their sexuality that they have to rely on gay men to direct shows to flesh out these fantasies. It was all too beefcake, I no likey. Of course, they had to reserve the top 10 Centerfolds (I love you Brent Javier!) for last. Climax of the show was Christian Vasquez, attached to strings, flying over the crowd ala The Matrix.
After the event, I had my picture taken with Brent JAvier's huge poster in the NBC Tent lobby in a saucy pose (captured by the GMA-7 cameramen). John Lapus called me over. "Di ba ikaw yung babae dun sa stage?" And proceeded to interview me for "The Buzz."
John Lapus: Dalaga ka pa ba?
Me: OO!
JL: Sa Tingin mo magkaka-BF ka pagkatapos ng ginawa mo?
Me: Baka hindi na!
JL: Ano masasabi mo sa kanya (the model)?
Me: YUMMY!
JL: Sino pinunta mo dito?
Me: Si Brent Javier!
Then he proceeded to make me inggit with his Cosmo mag,with an autographed photo of Brent Javier and his notebook.
I never got to run into the model again. I wanted to get his name sana. Oh well... I am currently nervous because I'm dead if Mrs. Boss actually sees me on the BUzz. My aunt too. Oh gosh, I hope they edit my interview and clip. If I get busted, okay lang. I got to lick a yummy chocolate-covered model, with the eight bottles of Astring-o-sol and stained dress to prove it ;p
Sunday, September 19, 2004
The Young and the Struggling
It's such a cliche to be young and broke, but I am.
I was so shocked when I received my payslip. I took home P 4,700. Holy cow. How am I gonna live on that much money for the next 15 days? I think that I have to declare a dependent. The Man took P 1,300 from me in taxes. The GSIS took a P800 cut. Hopefully, they'll put it in my pension rather than plunk it down on another pricey painting. I'm all for art but not in the expense of my pension!
Something has got to give. It either has to be Toastmasters or cosplay, and I ain't giving up cosplay. I'm not willing to give up my independence, either. I don't want to move back in with my folks. My rent is adequate payment for my peace of mind. I love my family, it's that I can't bear dealing with them daily anymore. I am determined to pave my own way on the planet.
The same is true with cosplay. I was in the top 10 again (yay!) , but again, a hair away from the top 3. Cosplay has been very good to me. I have consistently placed in the finals of most of the competitions that I've joined but breaking into the top three is troublesome. Of course someone has to show up as a 7-foot robot *rolls eyes* Someone also showed up as KOS-MOS. So there goes my plan of cosplaying her. I need to figure out a way to break into the top three. Maybe its in my choice of characters.
My life now feels like an eternal struggle. Like the theme song of Friends. My job's a joke, I'm broke, and my lovelife's DOA. Hopefully it won't be for long.
I was so shocked when I received my payslip. I took home P 4,700. Holy cow. How am I gonna live on that much money for the next 15 days? I think that I have to declare a dependent. The Man took P 1,300 from me in taxes. The GSIS took a P800 cut. Hopefully, they'll put it in my pension rather than plunk it down on another pricey painting. I'm all for art but not in the expense of my pension!
Something has got to give. It either has to be Toastmasters or cosplay, and I ain't giving up cosplay. I'm not willing to give up my independence, either. I don't want to move back in with my folks. My rent is adequate payment for my peace of mind. I love my family, it's that I can't bear dealing with them daily anymore. I am determined to pave my own way on the planet.
The same is true with cosplay. I was in the top 10 again (yay!) , but again, a hair away from the top 3. Cosplay has been very good to me. I have consistently placed in the finals of most of the competitions that I've joined but breaking into the top three is troublesome. Of course someone has to show up as a 7-foot robot *rolls eyes* Someone also showed up as KOS-MOS. So there goes my plan of cosplaying her. I need to figure out a way to break into the top three. Maybe its in my choice of characters.
My life now feels like an eternal struggle. Like the theme song of Friends. My job's a joke, I'm broke, and my lovelife's DOA. Hopefully it won't be for long.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Cosplayer blues
HAAaayyyyy....
Me and my stupid expensive hobby!!!!!!!
Here I go again, bitten by the cosplaying bug... I'm so in love with her costume!
I want to do her this December...but then again...where the hell am I gonna come up with the dough? And the red contact lenses...that's at least 10 grand.
Maybe I have to wait until next year.
This particular character...I fell in love with her about two years ago. I had an ex who loved his PS2, and loved the character. I was salivating with praise when he had the gall to say to me... "Alam mo ang astig ng costume na ito...astig ang gagawa nito. Alam mo bagay kay (cosplayer X) yun costume na ito..."
"Bakit naman?"
"Kasi ang amo ng mukha niya, chaka sexy yun!"
It was insensitive, I know...and for the longest time I thought that I can't do her. Hindi bagay. But then I was invited to join a Xenosaga cosplay group.. HaHA!
Me and my stupid expensive hobby!!!!!!!
Here I go again, bitten by the cosplaying bug... I'm so in love with her costume!
I want to do her this December...but then again...where the hell am I gonna come up with the dough? And the red contact lenses...that's at least 10 grand.
Maybe I have to wait until next year.
This particular character...I fell in love with her about two years ago. I had an ex who loved his PS2, and loved the character. I was salivating with praise when he had the gall to say to me... "Alam mo ang astig ng costume na ito...astig ang gagawa nito. Alam mo bagay kay (cosplayer X) yun costume na ito..."
"Bakit naman?"
"Kasi ang amo ng mukha niya, chaka sexy yun!"
It was insensitive, I know...and for the longest time I thought that I can't do her. Hindi bagay. But then I was invited to join a Xenosaga cosplay group.. HaHA!
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Venus and Mars
There may be more to this Venus and Mars thing than meets the eye. Sure, men and women are different, but sometimes the communcation gap is so huge that men and women might as well be speaking different languages. I say one thing, a guy hears something else. Same is true in reverse for us girls.
A common problem that I encounter are guys who see me, see the clothes that I wear and hear the way I speak, assume automatically that I'll sleep with them. I felt uncomfortable today because two guys thought that I was "easy." One guy, who has had a serious crush on me for a year now, actually had the temerity to outright ask me to have sex with him and "pop his cherry."
NEWS FLASH PEOPLE: Yes I have sex. Yes I have sex with men.
No I will not have sex with you.
Maybe that wasn't clear enough for you. Yes I am comfortable with my sexuality. Yes I am aware that it is a potent force to be reckoned with. No I am not a slut. No, you can't fuck me. If you can afford to be discriminating about women, well I have the right to be discriminating with men too. DUH! I have taste! I have morals (believe it or not) and most of all, I AM NOT STUPID. I am not a bed-hopping sex-addicted bimbo, and usually, I have a relationship with these men as well. Why guys, you think I'm incapable of a serious relationship? Do you also think that women can't play this game as well as you do? Take me on people and I swear if you fuck around with me, things will get NASTY. I know what rape is, and I'm not afraid of reporting it to the police. I know my rights. I can't be pushed around so easily, honey. I don't buy that double standard stud/slut dichotomy between men and women. But honestly it is a pain when I encounter that discrimination. How I wish other people saw things my way.
A male friend explained it to me this way. Whenever a girl complains that she isn't getting any, a light goes off in the average Joe's brain that goes:
"Wow she wants some. She wants me! She doesn't care who it is right? Me! Me! Me!"
Another case of this disparity is apparent between my friends Mr. and Ms. Breakup, who I've mentioned in my past entry. Mr. Breakup has a "legal impediment," and Ms. Break-up feels that this is a "deal-breaker," something that needs to be cleared before the relationship progresses.
Now to clear this impediment, Mr. Breakup needs a lot of cold hard cash. He isn't really that keen on parting with enough money to buy a second-hand car, inflicting emotional pain on people he once loved and declare on public record that he's an asshole. But because he loves her, he'll do it. Ms. Break-up on the other hand is going through this "if you love him set him free" shit and said that she'll return when everything is free and clear. Mr. Break-up feels that Ms. Breakup is abandoning him at a time when he needs her most. He's got a point. Why go through the whole traumatic process if she isn't there , the reason why he's going through with it in the first place? Ms. Breakup also has a point. And neither seems to be willing to budge, and neither wants to meet halfway.
Men and women belong to such different planets and come from vastly different perspectives and sometimes, speak totally different languages. It's amazing that men and women are able to get along and actually start families. It's not like we live in a gender segregated society!
A common problem that I encounter are guys who see me, see the clothes that I wear and hear the way I speak, assume automatically that I'll sleep with them. I felt uncomfortable today because two guys thought that I was "easy." One guy, who has had a serious crush on me for a year now, actually had the temerity to outright ask me to have sex with him and "pop his cherry."
NEWS FLASH PEOPLE: Yes I have sex. Yes I have sex with men.
No I will not have sex with you.
Maybe that wasn't clear enough for you. Yes I am comfortable with my sexuality. Yes I am aware that it is a potent force to be reckoned with. No I am not a slut. No, you can't fuck me. If you can afford to be discriminating about women, well I have the right to be discriminating with men too. DUH! I have taste! I have morals (believe it or not) and most of all, I AM NOT STUPID. I am not a bed-hopping sex-addicted bimbo, and usually, I have a relationship with these men as well. Why guys, you think I'm incapable of a serious relationship? Do you also think that women can't play this game as well as you do? Take me on people and I swear if you fuck around with me, things will get NASTY. I know what rape is, and I'm not afraid of reporting it to the police. I know my rights. I can't be pushed around so easily, honey. I don't buy that double standard stud/slut dichotomy between men and women. But honestly it is a pain when I encounter that discrimination. How I wish other people saw things my way.
A male friend explained it to me this way. Whenever a girl complains that she isn't getting any, a light goes off in the average Joe's brain that goes:
"Wow she wants some. She wants me! She doesn't care who it is right? Me! Me! Me!"
Another case of this disparity is apparent between my friends Mr. and Ms. Breakup, who I've mentioned in my past entry. Mr. Breakup has a "legal impediment," and Ms. Break-up feels that this is a "deal-breaker," something that needs to be cleared before the relationship progresses.
Now to clear this impediment, Mr. Breakup needs a lot of cold hard cash. He isn't really that keen on parting with enough money to buy a second-hand car, inflicting emotional pain on people he once loved and declare on public record that he's an asshole. But because he loves her, he'll do it. Ms. Break-up on the other hand is going through this "if you love him set him free" shit and said that she'll return when everything is free and clear. Mr. Break-up feels that Ms. Breakup is abandoning him at a time when he needs her most. He's got a point. Why go through the whole traumatic process if she isn't there , the reason why he's going through with it in the first place? Ms. Breakup also has a point. And neither seems to be willing to budge, and neither wants to meet halfway.
Men and women belong to such different planets and come from vastly different perspectives and sometimes, speak totally different languages. It's amazing that men and women are able to get along and actually start families. It's not like we live in a gender segregated society!
Monday, September 13, 2004
All dressed up...and nowhere to go
I have all these pretty clothes, but since I rarely go out nowadays, where do I use them?
People compare finding their true love akin to being a stranger in a strange land and finally finding someone who speaks the same language as you do...finally getting "got" when people have never gotten you before. It seems like a serendipitous and a weirldy complicated yet simple process.
People compare finding their true love akin to being a stranger in a strange land and finally finding someone who speaks the same language as you do...finally getting "got" when people have never gotten you before. It seems like a serendipitous and a weirldy complicated yet simple process.
Friday, September 10, 2004
I ♥ Chona Mae
A reason why I started blogging was because of Chona Mae. I don't know if she's a faker, but I don't really care. After one of my yahoogroups friends recommended the website, I couldn't stop reading. Many have written valentines for Chona, but to Chona Mae of Valle Verde, I ♥ you!
A raunchy picture of me and my friends during my sister's baby shower. Lolz, some baby shower!
A whole hotel room to ourselves, nothing to do...so we decided to play "playboy mansion!"
A raunchy picture of me and my friends during my sister's baby shower. Lolz, some baby shower!
A whole hotel room to ourselves, nothing to do...so we decided to play "playboy mansion!"
Thursday, September 09, 2004
The Borne Pessimist
I'm a pessimist by nature. It was my conscious choice to be an optimist, and I daily try to see the brighter side, to be happy, to be grateful of the little things. Being a bummed out person all the time is a bit of a drag, and honestly doesn't really contribute to wittiness or a "cool cred,' despite what others may say. Besides, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of life.
Not that I had anything to complain about lately. I just hung out with friends the last couple of days with my friends, and I was so amazed that I could actually relate to a human being and think outside of myself for sometime, something I was incapable of in the not so recent past.
Two of my friends are nursing a heartbreak, and neither is at fault. Really, circumstances can be a bitch, aint it? It sucks that love is such a confusing emotion. A real mindfuck, being in love. Another friend and I spent yesterday day in a delicious wallet-busting shopping spree. A bitch on the budget...but all those pretty clothes *drools* !
It was fun to be girly and giggly, as Leslie and I were in our best "sex-in -the-city" mode as we tried on outfits.
Leslie: "That blouse is soooo Samantha!"
Me: "Does this dress look a bit too Charlotte for you?'
As we giggled about boys, her new prospect, trashed exes and rated lovers, It made me wish I had more friends like her. I mean, its fun to be able to have friends from all sorts of groups. The goth people, posers, anime freaks, J-rock kids, rockers, hip-hop heads, party people, ravers, potheads, sinners and saints, everyone. It's great to have adult friends whom you could talk to about anything and nothing, to speak volumes but not talk. To banter earth-shattering opinions with or gossip about the most trivial showbiz crap. But lately the adults I've been hanging with feel like little kids in big bodies. And the adults are a bit too guarded. They watch what they say too much, snipe at each other behind each others' backs too often. I miss my college friends. Too bad they're all busy reviewing for the bar, and I have no interest in becoming a lawyer.
I think I have met my first cyber-stalker. This guy , whom I didn't know, sent me a friendster message saying that he read my article on Seeker magazine (issue 3) , and looked for me on friendster, and found my profile on cosplaylab (whose url I only give out to friends who ask to see my work). He asked me when the next cosplay event was and I invited him to come over so we'd meet. Woot woot! I've got a stalker! I've cyber-stalked guys before (Like Discovery Channel's Faking It drag queen Andy), but I've never been cyber-stalked before. Most of my real-world stalkers have become my friends, and it's worked pretty well for me. I hope this guy's cute. I guess I've made it as a cosplayer! Now as a journalist, I'm waiting to celebrate my first death threat.
Not that I had anything to complain about lately. I just hung out with friends the last couple of days with my friends, and I was so amazed that I could actually relate to a human being and think outside of myself for sometime, something I was incapable of in the not so recent past.
Two of my friends are nursing a heartbreak, and neither is at fault. Really, circumstances can be a bitch, aint it? It sucks that love is such a confusing emotion. A real mindfuck, being in love. Another friend and I spent yesterday day in a delicious wallet-busting shopping spree. A bitch on the budget...but all those pretty clothes *drools* !
It was fun to be girly and giggly, as Leslie and I were in our best "sex-in -the-city" mode as we tried on outfits.
Leslie: "That blouse is soooo Samantha!"
Me: "Does this dress look a bit too Charlotte for you?'
As we giggled about boys, her new prospect, trashed exes and rated lovers, It made me wish I had more friends like her. I mean, its fun to be able to have friends from all sorts of groups. The goth people, posers, anime freaks, J-rock kids, rockers, hip-hop heads, party people, ravers, potheads, sinners and saints, everyone. It's great to have adult friends whom you could talk to about anything and nothing, to speak volumes but not talk. To banter earth-shattering opinions with or gossip about the most trivial showbiz crap. But lately the adults I've been hanging with feel like little kids in big bodies. And the adults are a bit too guarded. They watch what they say too much, snipe at each other behind each others' backs too often. I miss my college friends. Too bad they're all busy reviewing for the bar, and I have no interest in becoming a lawyer.
I think I have met my first cyber-stalker. This guy , whom I didn't know, sent me a friendster message saying that he read my article on Seeker magazine (issue 3) , and looked for me on friendster, and found my profile on cosplaylab (whose url I only give out to friends who ask to see my work). He asked me when the next cosplay event was and I invited him to come over so we'd meet. Woot woot! I've got a stalker! I've cyber-stalked guys before (Like Discovery Channel's Faking It drag queen Andy), but I've never been cyber-stalked before. Most of my real-world stalkers have become my friends, and it's worked pretty well for me. I hope this guy's cute. I guess I've made it as a cosplayer! Now as a journalist, I'm waiting to celebrate my first death threat.
Monday, September 06, 2004
Blast from the Past
My friend Jac e-mailed me a friendster message pointing the way to Irran's new Friendster site. My curiosity was bigger than my loathing of him, and I got the shock of my day when I saw that he was in an "open marriage."
*Sigh.* I guess we're really not meant to be together. Irran was this guy I knew couple of years ago, fucked up and crazy. Just like me. We had the same interests, and we felt the same something. I'm certain of it. I was crazy about him. I would've slept with him, had his babies, everything. But he told me he was gay. I despaired. The day we broke up was the day I hooked up with Ernest, my secret sex friend. We met the night Irran and I celebrated our break-up, at some dive in Quezon City. I took up with Ernest partly because I wanted to erase the memory of Irran. I felt that Irran was THE GUY, The One. He was my perfect match in every way. But somehow, we couldn't get along. Everyone wondered why. He pushed me away every instance he could get. I was repulsed by him and attracted to him at the same time. I've never loved anyone like I have loved him, and never felt anything for anyone in the same way since. We always argued and argued but somehow I loved arguing. It was both an exhilirating, maddening, and confusing to be with his company.
He said that he could never commit to me because he was gay, or he was gonna be a priest, or whatever handy excuse. he had, and took every opportunity he could get to reiterate that what he felt for me was merely friendship. At first I was hurt, but as time wore on, acceptance crept in, then irritation. I wanted him to stop reminding me that we won't be a couple. Hello, I got the message!
After breaking up with Mervyl, one of the most defining experiences and break-up (life lessons aplenty) of my life, I decided to go straight. No more fucking around (except with Ernest), no smoking, no drugs, no more craziness, live my life straight and narrow. I re-assessed my friendships. Who among my friends really helped me? Who among them would make my life richer with their mere presence? Who among them really loved me? Who am I willing to give up my life up for? I decided that Irran was not one of those, nor did he deserve to be one of them, so I decided to cut my ties loose by squashing his ego, the one thing that has always been his weakness.
Life has been more peaceful. But I have no idea why my hands tremble as I write this.
*Sigh.* I guess we're really not meant to be together. Irran was this guy I knew couple of years ago, fucked up and crazy. Just like me. We had the same interests, and we felt the same something. I'm certain of it. I was crazy about him. I would've slept with him, had his babies, everything. But he told me he was gay. I despaired. The day we broke up was the day I hooked up with Ernest, my secret sex friend. We met the night Irran and I celebrated our break-up, at some dive in Quezon City. I took up with Ernest partly because I wanted to erase the memory of Irran. I felt that Irran was THE GUY, The One. He was my perfect match in every way. But somehow, we couldn't get along. Everyone wondered why. He pushed me away every instance he could get. I was repulsed by him and attracted to him at the same time. I've never loved anyone like I have loved him, and never felt anything for anyone in the same way since. We always argued and argued but somehow I loved arguing. It was both an exhilirating, maddening, and confusing to be with his company.
He said that he could never commit to me because he was gay, or he was gonna be a priest, or whatever handy excuse. he had, and took every opportunity he could get to reiterate that what he felt for me was merely friendship. At first I was hurt, but as time wore on, acceptance crept in, then irritation. I wanted him to stop reminding me that we won't be a couple. Hello, I got the message!
After breaking up with Mervyl, one of the most defining experiences and break-up (life lessons aplenty) of my life, I decided to go straight. No more fucking around (except with Ernest), no smoking, no drugs, no more craziness, live my life straight and narrow. I re-assessed my friendships. Who among my friends really helped me? Who among them would make my life richer with their mere presence? Who among them really loved me? Who am I willing to give up my life up for? I decided that Irran was not one of those, nor did he deserve to be one of them, so I decided to cut my ties loose by squashing his ego, the one thing that has always been his weakness.
Life has been more peaceful. But I have no idea why my hands tremble as I write this.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
the anti-Bridget Jones diary
Reactions I got when I told people of my plan to be an ate :
my Sister Camille: Anu yun, ate with benefits?
my friend Marga girl: Okay yun! He needs one!
I went to his place last Wednesday. Marga and I were in the neighborhood and we figured... (hey, we were really in the neighborhood!)
He was shocked to see us, to say the least. Very uncomfortable too...figety and everything. It was an unsettling reunion. Small talk, more lies about how well he was doing. I could clearly see that his family was in desperate straits. Not dire. Desperate. I really wanted to help him. I wouldn't put it beyond him to prostitute himself for material wealth. He is that kind of guy, after all, easily impressed by flashy material goods and the promise of money. My sister said that since we've crossed the line, there's no telling whether we'd fuck again if we're in close proximity. He is probably avoiding me. That's okay. I just want him to know that I'm available if he needs help.
Oh well, I could choose to turn a blind eye to it. I called his house yesterday to check on him and explain my current intentions. His brother answered, as usual, telling me his brother wasn't home. He asked me if I was his brother's girlfriend. Haha. Funny sidebar. He has no idea.
Enough of my fucked-up stuff.
Its funny, how most "singles" columns and movies dedicated to single people are nothing more than rants or justifications of why they're single, and defensive essays on how great single life is. Actually, it is great. I only feel like myself when I'm single. Whenever I'm with somebody, I feel like I have to walk on tiptoes around him. I honestly am not in the marriage mode, or in the relationship mode, or anything of the sort. It would be great to be with someone, but anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm doing pretty great on my own. I may have this weird anti-vulnerability complex, but it doesn't mean that I'm any sorrier or happier than the "smug marrieds." I hate this perception that singles are the walking wounded, pining for someone, longing for someone unknown, or worse, Bridget Jones clones, all man-crazy. I'm man crazy, but not crazy enough to latch myself on the first available penis with the foggiest promise of a serious relationship, or a ring!
The marrieds may live longer, but I'll bet my bottom dollar that 60 percent of them envy me. haha! take that Bridget Jones!
my Sister Camille: Anu yun, ate with benefits?
my friend Marga girl: Okay yun! He needs one!
I went to his place last Wednesday. Marga and I were in the neighborhood and we figured... (hey, we were really in the neighborhood!)
He was shocked to see us, to say the least. Very uncomfortable too...figety and everything. It was an unsettling reunion. Small talk, more lies about how well he was doing. I could clearly see that his family was in desperate straits. Not dire. Desperate. I really wanted to help him. I wouldn't put it beyond him to prostitute himself for material wealth. He is that kind of guy, after all, easily impressed by flashy material goods and the promise of money. My sister said that since we've crossed the line, there's no telling whether we'd fuck again if we're in close proximity. He is probably avoiding me. That's okay. I just want him to know that I'm available if he needs help.
Oh well, I could choose to turn a blind eye to it. I called his house yesterday to check on him and explain my current intentions. His brother answered, as usual, telling me his brother wasn't home. He asked me if I was his brother's girlfriend. Haha. Funny sidebar. He has no idea.
Enough of my fucked-up stuff.
Its funny, how most "singles" columns and movies dedicated to single people are nothing more than rants or justifications of why they're single, and defensive essays on how great single life is. Actually, it is great. I only feel like myself when I'm single. Whenever I'm with somebody, I feel like I have to walk on tiptoes around him. I honestly am not in the marriage mode, or in the relationship mode, or anything of the sort. It would be great to be with someone, but anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm doing pretty great on my own. I may have this weird anti-vulnerability complex, but it doesn't mean that I'm any sorrier or happier than the "smug marrieds." I hate this perception that singles are the walking wounded, pining for someone, longing for someone unknown, or worse, Bridget Jones clones, all man-crazy. I'm man crazy, but not crazy enough to latch myself on the first available penis with the foggiest promise of a serious relationship, or a ring!
The marrieds may live longer, but I'll bet my bottom dollar that 60 percent of them envy me. haha! take that Bridget Jones!
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Friends and Lovers
They say that its hard for lovers to become friends; and almsost inevitable for friends of the opposite sex to become lovers. I've never had any experience with this because I've never been particularly attracted to any of my male friends.
The last lover who attempted to become my friend was Gerard the two-timer. Being the fiend that he is, he actually later blabbed on our sex lives to his friends....and you know how guy friends talk and how that gets around...it irritates me to this day to think that someone out there whom I don't know knows something which should've been our private business.
I'm currently weighing my options on whether I should befriend my latest ex-lover, Mr. 18-year old. Is it actually worth the trouble? True, he's a habitual liar. But something his dad screamed at me, while I was seated at their frayed couch, absorbing the indignity of his vicious attack against me (us) kind of struck me: that his son was in need of a good influence in his life . Hey, I could be a good influence. I could be his ate! Hahaha! that would be funny, from bed to bosom, lover to benign madonna. Well, If he cant be my lover, He could be my pet :D
Will it work? After all, we've already crossed the line. is it possible to turn back the hands of a relationship that moved too fast? Sex definitely changes a relationship, ya know. What if he thinks I'm desperately running after him? Kapaaal! feeling mo no? I'm also worried that he'll think that hey, we've had sex already, why not have one more go at it for kicks? Could it be that I actually care about him? Just after two weeks of fucking? I did award him best in missionary in my latest sex evaluation. For those going *huh?*, I evaluate the performances of my lovers every couple of years. It's nasty to make such lists, but it's delicious fun. Trouble is I fall in love too easily, and it takes a long time for me to fall out of love.
A couple of friends who took the friend-lovers route are having trouble navigating the paramters of their (relatively) new relationship (how technical!) Let's see...they say the friends to lovers way ensures for a lasting relationship...
The last lover who attempted to become my friend was Gerard the two-timer. Being the fiend that he is, he actually later blabbed on our sex lives to his friends....and you know how guy friends talk and how that gets around...it irritates me to this day to think that someone out there whom I don't know knows something which should've been our private business.
I'm currently weighing my options on whether I should befriend my latest ex-lover, Mr. 18-year old. Is it actually worth the trouble? True, he's a habitual liar. But something his dad screamed at me, while I was seated at their frayed couch, absorbing the indignity of his vicious attack against me (us) kind of struck me: that his son was in need of a good influence in his life . Hey, I could be a good influence. I could be his ate! Hahaha! that would be funny, from bed to bosom, lover to benign madonna. Well, If he cant be my lover, He could be my pet :D
Will it work? After all, we've already crossed the line. is it possible to turn back the hands of a relationship that moved too fast? Sex definitely changes a relationship, ya know. What if he thinks I'm desperately running after him? Kapaaal! feeling mo no? I'm also worried that he'll think that hey, we've had sex already, why not have one more go at it for kicks? Could it be that I actually care about him? Just after two weeks of fucking? I did award him best in missionary in my latest sex evaluation. For those going *huh?*, I evaluate the performances of my lovers every couple of years. It's nasty to make such lists, but it's delicious fun. Trouble is I fall in love too easily, and it takes a long time for me to fall out of love.
A couple of friends who took the friend-lovers route are having trouble navigating the paramters of their (relatively) new relationship (how technical!) Let's see...they say the friends to lovers way ensures for a lasting relationship...
Monday, August 30, 2004
In the beginning
A single girl’s musings on life, love, and search for “The One”
Let me begin with an introduction. Call me Arashi. I’m a 24-year old single girl navigating through Manila’s jungle. I left home almost a year ago in my raging desire to live free from parental constraints. It’s not easy, and my family isn’t very comfortable with my decision, but the freedom I have right now to decide how I want to live my life is soo worth it. I love Makati, my current environs. Sometimes, as I walk to its malls, walk to work, I take in the skyline, and it amazes me that I’m alive. Yes, I’m a big sucker for life and all things human.
The usual guys who are attracted to me (and seem to be attracted to) are spineless freaks who have some weird hang-up about strong women. Right now, I just emerged from a “cool-off” with Mr. 18-year old, a hottie who I later found out was actually still in high school, after a weird, amusing and kinda embarrassing talking-to I received from his father, who caught me and a couple of other girls sleeping over at his son’s room. Okay, okay, it was kinda wrong of us to do so. A week ago I thought I may be pregnant, thus freaking him out and proposing the “cool-off” (what the fuck is a cool-off anyway? Such a state doesn’t exist. You’re either on a break or aren’t)
From the prompting of my friends, who think my life is fodder for a very amusing blog, I’ve decided to put my exploits to cyberspace (as opposed to my personal thoughts, which is strictly pen to paper). They feel that my life’s lessons will serve some purpose. For those who think this is a ‘sex in the city’ rip-off (the novel, not the TV show), well, it kind of is, so to future critics, I say, it is, so what’s the big deal, get over it, and stop reading.
In case my life isn’t exciting enough, I will also put in my friends exploits (using pseudonyms, of course) to record. So friends, really sorry there too.
What else? I love the beach. I love great conversation. I like to travel a lot. I love massages. I don’t like habitual liars, and “feeling close” people. I have some hobbies, like cosplay. Cosplay meaning I dress up as cartoon, anime, comic book and video game characters during competitions. I speak differently from the way I write, and I’m not sure if I would be a better speaker than a writer. I’ve resisted blogging because I feel that my thoughts isn’t public fodder. For this reason, I’d rather remain anonymous. I’m a free spirit, which basically means I’ve stopped caring about what other people who don’t actually care for me think of what I do with my life. I am also a Toastmaster, and the Vice President of membership of my particular club at that. Yes, I have very diverse and strange interests. I find myself strange sometimes, too, especially at the things I find fascinating or amusing. I catch myself at odd moments, relishing some sort of sensory pick-me-up. Last week I was fascinated at this lamppost. The lamp at the corner of Pasong Tamo and Buendia, where the gas station is, to be exact. The inside of its globe had filled up with water because of the storm, and was swaying slightly because of the wind. The water inside played with the light inside the lamp so beautifully, I thought it was one of the most amazing things I’ve seen, and oddly, made me feel grateful that I’m alive to witness it.
* * *
For some reason, my sexual freedom makes people feel that they are free to seek my help for their relationship or sexual dysfunctions. I don’t claim to be that free, nor am I really more liberated than the next gal. Maybe I need to be less open about my sexual secrets. People give me more information than I need to know, or want to know, you know? More later...
Let me begin with an introduction. Call me Arashi. I’m a 24-year old single girl navigating through Manila’s jungle. I left home almost a year ago in my raging desire to live free from parental constraints. It’s not easy, and my family isn’t very comfortable with my decision, but the freedom I have right now to decide how I want to live my life is soo worth it. I love Makati, my current environs. Sometimes, as I walk to its malls, walk to work, I take in the skyline, and it amazes me that I’m alive. Yes, I’m a big sucker for life and all things human.
The usual guys who are attracted to me (and seem to be attracted to) are spineless freaks who have some weird hang-up about strong women. Right now, I just emerged from a “cool-off” with Mr. 18-year old, a hottie who I later found out was actually still in high school, after a weird, amusing and kinda embarrassing talking-to I received from his father, who caught me and a couple of other girls sleeping over at his son’s room. Okay, okay, it was kinda wrong of us to do so. A week ago I thought I may be pregnant, thus freaking him out and proposing the “cool-off” (what the fuck is a cool-off anyway? Such a state doesn’t exist. You’re either on a break or aren’t)
From the prompting of my friends, who think my life is fodder for a very amusing blog, I’ve decided to put my exploits to cyberspace (as opposed to my personal thoughts, which is strictly pen to paper). They feel that my life’s lessons will serve some purpose. For those who think this is a ‘sex in the city’ rip-off (the novel, not the TV show), well, it kind of is, so to future critics, I say, it is, so what’s the big deal, get over it, and stop reading.
In case my life isn’t exciting enough, I will also put in my friends exploits (using pseudonyms, of course) to record. So friends, really sorry there too.
What else? I love the beach. I love great conversation. I like to travel a lot. I love massages. I don’t like habitual liars, and “feeling close” people. I have some hobbies, like cosplay. Cosplay meaning I dress up as cartoon, anime, comic book and video game characters during competitions. I speak differently from the way I write, and I’m not sure if I would be a better speaker than a writer. I’ve resisted blogging because I feel that my thoughts isn’t public fodder. For this reason, I’d rather remain anonymous. I’m a free spirit, which basically means I’ve stopped caring about what other people who don’t actually care for me think of what I do with my life. I am also a Toastmaster, and the Vice President of membership of my particular club at that. Yes, I have very diverse and strange interests. I find myself strange sometimes, too, especially at the things I find fascinating or amusing. I catch myself at odd moments, relishing some sort of sensory pick-me-up. Last week I was fascinated at this lamppost. The lamp at the corner of Pasong Tamo and Buendia, where the gas station is, to be exact. The inside of its globe had filled up with water because of the storm, and was swaying slightly because of the wind. The water inside played with the light inside the lamp so beautifully, I thought it was one of the most amazing things I’ve seen, and oddly, made me feel grateful that I’m alive to witness it.
* * *
For some reason, my sexual freedom makes people feel that they are free to seek my help for their relationship or sexual dysfunctions. I don’t claim to be that free, nor am I really more liberated than the next gal. Maybe I need to be less open about my sexual secrets. People give me more information than I need to know, or want to know, you know? More later...
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